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Dear Diary -- by Cagewench

Rating: PG-13

Description: Reading the diaries of the Scooby gang (follows "And then there was Spike" series)

Disclaimer: Joss owns all and I am but his humble servant. Borrowing his beloved characters to play with.

Spoilers: some of season 4. Oz is gone. Spike has lost his bite.

I can't believe how quickly and bizarrely my life has changed. I almost feel like I'm slowly waking up in one of Anya's old "Wishverses" but, in my heart, I know it's all real… Sometimes I just am afraid to believe it because I don't want it to be taken away.

How can I explain? I mean who'd have ever thought of me and Spike in the same sentence let along the same bed (blush) OK, so yeah, you've noticed some netspeak invading these pages. But, Goddess, I can't bear to write down all the feelings he creates in me with his eyes, his voice, his touch. Why can't I bear to? Because I refuse to release them, I want to hold them close within me for eternity. And I guess it could be eternity, someday. I know he wants me to be with him forever and I want to be with him, but I also want to live. I want to fulfill my destiny but I get so scared… what if I wait too long and I'm too old and he doesn't want me anymore.

Everyday I live, I am growing and changing and aging and Spike stays the same. Perfect. Chiseled and pale like precious china. Loving and intelligent but I'll never be able to tease him about crow's feet or threatening if he keeps smirking at Buffy that his face will freeze that way…

And how can I possibly decide when to die? Even if I will be reawakened and be sure that I will have a soul. Pig's blood for me. Good thing I'm Wicca and not Jewish anymore… or will that still count against me somehow?

I got a letter from Oz today. I don't want to open it. But I can't destroy it either. (sigh) What's a Willow to do?

So mate, I was with Willow again. I don't know what the hell I've done in my life or unlife to deserve her, but I gotta thank the PTB for her. And to think, I used to call her a 'chit' and threaten to kill her and torture her as if she were Dru or something… She saved my arse from those blasted bloody army gits. I thought I'd never see her again and I couldn't give a flying fuck at that point whether or not she'd ever give me my soul back, because I just wanted to be with her and hold her and smell her hair and love her. And I do not sound like Peaches!!! So sod off or I'll toss you in the fireplace and do without a journal. Before Willow my journal was a lot easier to keep, but she really squelched the whole tongueless vamp confidante thing. Just as bloody well, I don't have to feed a damn book.

But I digress, so my little tree was sobbing away cuz she thought I was almost dust and I found myself crying too. Yeah, ole Spike having a good onion-peeling cry and that's when we figured it out.

Loving her. Making love to her… not only did she nearly kill me with her stamina… my girl's an animal… but she somehow gave me my soul too. So now, I'm Soulboy 2: The Second Coming… well ask my pet, she'll tell you it was way more than that…. But, the good part is, I'm not a pussy like Hairboy Angel. I can still kick arse, I can kill demons and I can push the Slayer's buttons 'till she near wants to stake me, and she can't do it.

Cor, but Willow doesn't like me to do it too much, but I know she secretly enjoys it.

And you know what else she not-so-secretly-and-in-fact-screamingly-does-enjoy????

So the gang decided to celebrate my birthday last week and Willow gave me this book and told me to write in it about Xander and things I feel and things I want to do and crap like that. It's supposed to be a very "girly" thing to do, and Xander seems to like when I seem girlish as opposed to former demonish…

What do I want to do? I want to regain some of my history, but I can't. Life is so damn strange and it's not just because I was a human and then a demon and now am a human again.

I can remember when I was alive the first time. I remember that bastard George having his way with a tavern maid when we were to be wed. And that's when I changed. Leaving Mama, Papa and Josephine to wreck vengeance and havoc upon all of mankind.

I don't know what happened to them. And I want to… I've been thinking of asking Willow or Giles to help me research what happened to them.

Then, I met Willow's plain Jane friend, Tara, and I can sense something about her. And she almost recognized me. If Xander and I hadn't been planning for orgasms when we got home I would have tried to talk to her more.

She's the reincarnation of my sister's soul. I feel like I need to help her become beautiful and worldly and to catch the eye of some shagable guy because I never got to see what happened to Josephine.

I want to try to learn how many lifetimes she's had, but I don't want to scare her.

Maybe I could have a sleepover and invite the other girls and we could eat chocolate and talk about Xander and spells and I could be subtle.

Xander always calls me 'subtle'… I wonder why he laughs when he says it? Isn't it supposed to be a compliment?

So life is kinda funky, wacky, zany, weird. I can't believe I'm actually in love with Anya. I can't believe I'm having regular sex and an adult relationship… ok so I'm working on the last one, it's just she sometimes gets all "Xander, why do you love me? Tell me why?" and stuff.

She should ask Willow, I suck at talking about how I feel. It comes from growing up in a family like this. If I ever leave Sunnydale, I think I've got enough baggage to be one helluva a stand-up comedian. Course if I talk about vamp stuff they'll think I'm nuts or Canadian or something like that.

And now Willow is with Spike. Like Buffster used to be with deadboy. How wigginsy is that?

Christ, the only thing that would surprise me more would be if Cordy fell for deadboy now that they'll livin' large in L.A.

Now Buff's with G.I. Joe Riley, but I still don't know if I trust him. Wish I still had those army skills from Halloween courtesy of Ethan… then we'd see how Initiative boy stood up against the Xandman.

Gotta go do laundry, Mom's screaming at me about the fabric softener…

I can't believe I've finally made love to a completely alive, unpoopheady type of guy!!! After everything, the rescue of Spike, the destruction of the base, we snuck back to his room and it was everything I could have wished for.

He was so giving and completely putty in my hands, except when he wasn't, if you know what I mean… and he totally let me be in control of everything!!! It was so sweet, I liked being an evil temptress that he couldn't resist. He is so into me, us, everything. It was as if he'd never experienced anything like it before. It was so sweet, and I found myself crying because it reminded me of Angel and my only time with him, if you know what I mean… Riley asked me what was wrong and he looked at me with all this love shining in his eyes and I just said, "It's good crying, because I'm so happy." Because I was happy. I am happy. I really think Angel would be happy for me, though after how things went when I saw him last, I doubt if we could ever be friends anymore. He was so strange that time.

Then, I wake up and Riley's left me a note and a cookie cuz he had to meet Walsh and, luckily he wasn't there, because when I woke up I had this crazy idea that I'd spent the night with Angel and as I woke up, I called out to him.

It really gave me the wiggins. I haven't thought about Angel in awhile so I don't know why I'd dream about him like that, when I've just given myself to Riley. After class, Will and I are going for some espressochinos and sundaes and some serious girltalk.

Ok, I'm outtie. Got to figure out what I'm wearing today to knock Agent Finn's socks off again (and maybe then some!)

I can't believe all that has happened in the past 24 hrs. We recaptured and then lost Hostile 17. The base was invaded and almost all the experiments were lost, terminated, destroyed. I managed to escape with Operation 314. And I believe that success with this project will mean success with the follow-up.

Problems: Agent Finn is too close to B.S. This is not a good thing. They've consummated their relationship and I have to put an end to it somehow. He's done well, drawing her into our plans, gaining her trust but now I have to carefully sever those ties, so he remembers where his loyalty lies.

Aside: Found out that the old fuddy-duddy stuffy "friend" of B.S is her Watcher. A Rupert Giles. Wondering if I can turn on the charm and fit him into our plans. His knowledge could be vital, but am not sure how to sway him. I have been working on a new type of implant. It's being tested on that man we picked up who was responsible for that horrid demon that chased me on the street.

Rayne, Ethan Rayne. If it works on him, it should be easy enough to use on Rupert Giles.

Personal: I don't know where my son is, but it's his birthday. I always have a drink on his birthday and imagine that Michael is here with me and we're celebrating some new success of our boy. Oh Andrew, sometimes I wish I could have kept you, but the life I have chosen, would not fit a child.

But I'm sure he's been raised right and is making his new parents proud.

In the name of all darkness, let this message reach the one for whom it is intended. Blood of my blood and friend of my past, you will be given a gift. all of my knowledge, before they can tear it away from me. My shell will remain, hoping to be replenished.

Things have been rather odd as of late. Since I am no longer, technically, a Watcher, I have neglected some of my recordings of recent events. There is much to tell so I think I shall pour myself a brandy and begin, as I know it will be a time-consuming process.

I can't believe how lucky I am. I am in love with the most amazing girl, no, woman. Buffy Anne Summers, aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is the woman of my dreams! She works in the same field I do, she's strong, confident, smart, beautiful. Prof. Walsh has accepted her into the Initiative so Buffy and I don't have any secrets anymore.

And she gave me the most precious gift last night… herself. It was the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I could have died completely happy after that.

I always figured that my first time I'd be really nervous or clumsy but everything was so fluid and passionate and loving. I couldn't believe it. At one point, she was crying and she smiled at me through those tears and eased my worries because she was crying with happiness.

I never knew life could be like this. Thank God, I've learned. I am cherishing ever moment I have with Buffy. She's like this rare, exotic flower and I want to nurture her and watch her bloom.

I love you, Buffy Summers!

I can't believe how wonderful my life is. Ever since I met Willow at the Wicca group, things have gotten so exciting. She's nurturing me and helping me grow and she is such an amazing person. I like her so much. I really admire her and I think if I try, I can be more like her. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but I don't want her to notice or to think I'm some kinda freak. I was thinking about dyeing my hair but it seems kinda SWFish. And I hated that movie…

Now, I'm starting to do things with her too. More magic and stuff. And I'm meeting her other friends and I really think that they like me. Or, they could just be being nice for her sake… But this is the happiest I've been since you died, Mom. I just know that you're looking down on me from somewhere and being proud that I'm a survivor and that I'm not alone anymore.

"Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak, huff squeak squeak squeak squeal squeak squeak squeak!"

(Translation: If someone doesn't turn me back soon, I'm going to start biting and squealing while they're trying to sleep!)

Since Spike seems to have a soul, I'm going to get Tara and Anya to help me turn Amy back into herself again, before she's too addicted to cheese and her wheel to want to come back.

Remind me to tell you about how well the three of us worked together… but I have to get my patoot to class and then I'm having a big gabfest with Buffy and then… then I'll be back in Spike's arms again (sigh).

Blessed be.

I wonder if she read my letter yet? I wonder if she's received it. My wonderful, whimsical Willow. The best part of who I am. I don't deserve her, but I still dream of her soft hair and warm eyes. She's the only thing, the only being I've ever loved… I wonder if she's happy? I wonder if she knows that I'm coming home. Back to the haven and love of her arms. I hope she got the letter.

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