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Secret Confessions -- by Dagney
Rating: R
Description: Spike and Willow angst.
Note: This is my way of confessing since I can't tell any of my friends.
Disclaimer: The characters are Joss' not for sale.
Well it wasn't exactly a scarlet letter, but the blackened fire ring in the middle of my lawn, did stare back at me like... My thoughts drift back to the previous night. It started out much like any other Friday night. The usual gang left research, work, and studies behind to get together for our monthly blow off steam happy hour'. Buffy said she really needed to let off some steam. The newest slayer (who had been called to replace Faith) was on patrol.
We entered the darkened hole in the wall bar.. The bartender John was happy to see us. He waved us over to a group of small tables and chairs in the corner where we could look out over the dance floor see the door and keep our backs to the wall. The band was setting up that would play later.
I looked at our strange group. Giles was trying hard to be cool and not act fatherly but couldn't quite pull it off. Every once in a while he would roll his eyes at a comment Xander would make. Angel and Cordelia were off in LA. Lately, Xander had taken up some of Angel's old habits he was in pout mode. He was not liking the way Ayna was trying to boss him round, yet whenever, she paid the least bit of attention to another guy or a female friend, he pouted sullenly.
Buffy was pounding down Bud Lights with some friends of hers from Sunnydale University. No one from the university knew our secret lives.
Spike as usual was looking handsome. He wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a dark navy blue tee shirt. He had started working with us all in the fall after the fiasco of graduation. He was reluctant, but had been useful on many occasions over the past eight months. He had taken to wearing more casual clothing so he would blend in with the college crowd. The entire group was still rather suspicious about him and watched him like a hawk. Suprisingly, I of all people who he had tormented with threats of death and dismemberment over a year ago, had become good friends.
He walked up to me and handed me an ameretto and diet Pepsi. This was a strange concoction I was fond of and I was surprised that he knew what I liked. I smiled and thanked him. He moved off to flirt with the three girlfriends of Buffy from school. Several times throughout the evening I looked at him and he would give me his sexy smile. Buffy was toast. I was sitting trying to talk with her and she slipped off her shoes and encouraged me to do the same.
" Come on Wills, we're going to do a foot dance." She laughed out loud.
As we both sat in our chairs we began to wiggle and move our feet in tempo with the band.
" Hey we're going to make a documentary about our feet for the Cann Film Festival" she said straight faced.
I screamed with laughter. She giggled also. We were not only attracting the attention of our little group but some other patrons as well. This childish but fun game continued on and off the entire evening. As the evening wound down Spike approached me and offered to give me a ride home.
" Sure, let's go."
We said our good-byes. " I offered that people could come over and sit out in my yard." In the flat I rent my yard is totally enclosed and I have a lovely garden. Everyone declined.
I got in Spike's new red Toyota Techuma. " Shall we go for a little drive?" he asked. He drove around for about ten minutes. At one point during our ride he spoke,
"I've had such a good time with you... I really enjoy spending time with you, more so than with the others.. I want you to know that I feel safe with you. " He said taking his eyes off the road. " I don't know who I can really trust. but I trust you."
I blushed slightly in the dark, hoping he wouldn't notice. " Thank you, I'm glad we're friends.. I enjoy the time we spend together." I replied.
We drove to my house, " I asked him to pick out some music as I got drinks. He put on The Doors, and we walked out into my yard. We pulled up two lawn chairs and sat close together in the middle of the yard. Even though my yard was private I had an upstairs flat mate and two houses on either side of my yard, so we began to talk quietly and listen to the spiritual undertones of the Doors. We made small talk about the stars.
" I wish we could have an open fire.. do you have a small grill.. We could make one?" he asked impulsively.
" Yes, as a matter of fact I do" I replied.
He shook his head; " I don't know why I'm at all surprised.. you are the most organized.. together person I have ever known."
" Don't mistake my neuroses for anything other than childhood baggage." I laughed. " I was always expected to be independent and prepared.. nothing else was acceptable." I admitted sadly.
" I'm sorry he replied.. I meant it as a complement."
" I know.."
He built a fire quickly and we sat enjoying it. He kept expressing his amazement with how in the middle of a city we could be sitting in a private garden with a fire.
He began to reminisce of his adventures over 11 years ago with Dru. He talked freely and looked at me; " Sometimes I'm afraid to tell Dru some of this stuff. Like she wouldn't understand and would judge me."
I smile my Willow understand all smile.
At one point we both got up to go inside I for more drinks, he to change the music. As we walked back in the yard together I commented on his leaving very soon to move and be reunited with Dru. He had been visiting her regularly; she was living in San Francisco. He admitted it was going to be strange leaving Sunnydale but even more strange was how much he knew he was going to miss it.
" I'll miss you," I said.
" I'll miss you too." He replied and pulled me into a hug. We hugged in the yard in the glowing firelight for minutes. Neither of us made any move to brake away neither said anything but just hung on to one another.
" I could stay like this all night," he said finally braking the silence. I made some sort of banal comment about how we would get together for special occasions and holidays.
We sat back down at the fire. I stared deep into the flames. A slight breeze had picked up and the temperature was dropping. " You had better sit back a bit." He commented. " Your pant legs are likely to flame up."
" I giggled, " That would be hard to explain to the gang on Monday, where I got third degree burns on my legs." I said.
" Yes and why, my hands would be all burned from beating out the flames." He snorted. " It could start some unpleasant gossip."
" I laughed, "how would we explain... spontaneous human combustion.." We both laughed.
Spike, broke the comfortable silence again, " If you were on Gilligan's island, what character would you be?"
" Ginger." I reply quickly.
I smile, "hey, you're playing my game." (It is my frequent habit at strange times to ask my friends about which character they would play on a TV show.)
" Yes, he smiled seemingly surprised at himself, " So I am." He didn't know what character he would be on Gillian because he explained he didn't feel like any could remotely fit his personality. " I'll just have to be a guess star," he said. " I have to come on with a big helicopter and take you away from the others"
" Oh yes you could hang down the tiny ladder and I'd have to climb out wearing my high heels and spangled evening gown." I laughed.
We continued this game covering Gunsmoke, Bonanza, the Big Valley, and the Brady Bunch " He shared that he could be Greg on the Brady Bunch. I explained that I would be Greg too. He gave me a strange look. We'll I can't be any of those cry baby, screaming girls could I?" " Greg had it together the most." I offer.
" We'll to tell the truth, I always had a thing for Marcia." He admits.
" No I squealed, you didn't" I reply.
He shakes his head, " Yes I did."
We sit quietly watching the fire.
" Can I lean on you?" he asks softly.
" Mumm" I mumble.
He places one arm behind the lawn chair and one hand across my waist and lays his head upon my right breast. I place my one hand over his at my waist and rest my head on the top of his head. I feel completely comfortable with this. I think to myself that I should have some sort of other emotion except comfort or rightness about this leaning. We continue to watch the fire and talk softly, about nothing and everything.
After about five minutes he straighten up. " That's putting a kink in my back." " It's getting cold." " We should go in." he states. " Could I stay a while, lay down before I drive home?" he asks.
"I nod my head, sure I go into 'fix it mode'. My head knows what he is asking, at this point I don't care I just want to be close to him, I'll be clear no fooling around though, hoping I can make myself stick to this.. ~~~ I pull back the covers on the bed. He is standing in my dark room leaning back against the wall watching me. " Listen mister.. you had better mind you P's & Q's." I say. He, laughs, " My P's & Q's I haven't heard that in a long time." I'm just going to change; I go into the bathroom. I pick up oversize gray nightshirt with a kitten on the front and several unknown stains around the hem. I pick up a pair of black sweatpants too. As I change in the bathroom I deep six the sweatpants. I think to myself, if I going to snuggle I want to feel skin.
I go back into my room and he is already under the comforter. He is still wearing his tee shirt. < Drat> I wonder what he is wearing under the covers.
I walk around the bed and slip into the other side under the covers. He ask, "can we snuggle."
" All right" I move closer to him, I roll onto my side. He moves towards me upon his side. He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him and pushes his face between my breast. My one arm is snaked around his head my other across his arm that is holding me. This feels a bit uncomfortable to me. Our lower bodies are touching slightly, I can tell he is wearing boxers and I notice how very hairy his legs are. I'm not sure what to do with my legs so we lay there barely touching below the waists. My head is once again resting on top of his head. I remark, "I'm worried I may smother you".
I feel once again almost comfortable with this man his head buried between my two breasts. I had this thought that I was like mother earth for a moment. He made these small sounds, barely audible but undistinguishable. The longer I lay this way the more uncomfortable I was. He had made no other movement except to start rubbing my shoulder blade with the palm of his hand that was holding me. " I hate sleeping alone" he verbalized suddenly. < I thought to myself, you've got a steady girlfriend and everyone knows that when she's not around your bed is rarely empty, so you never really do so.. and what the hell am I doing letting you into my bed?>
His hand rubbing my shoulder blade was starting to distract me, that or else having his lips so close to my breast and the thoughts of how would it feel to have him rub his razor stubble face across them. I moved the hand I had on his shoulder under the sleeve of his tee shirt and began to softly rub his shoulder. < Let's see how he likes it. I was suprized with how soft the skin was on his shoulder. I knew how hairy his arms and legs were but this was soft to the touch but the muscle underneath was hard. He moaned ever so slightly as I touched his shoulder. " What I ask softly?"
" Can you just rub my head?" he whispers. I move my other hand and with the softest touch run my fingers from his forehead to the back of his head. H exhales slightly and I feel his hot breath through my cotton nightshirt. < So he hasn't smothered yet> I do this for several minutes. I assume it is relaxing him. < I know that if I'm starting to get aroused and if he doesn't stop touching my back or just laying his head from between my breasts and do something I... well I didn't know what. " I want to kiss your breast" he states quietly, not really asking permission but telling me. I say nothing but my hands still from his shoulder and head. He starts with the softest kisses; I can't feel his lips but the heat of his mouth. I feel his one hand move ever so slowly towards the hem of my nightshirt. He is slowly inching it upward. < To hell with this I think to myself. I push him back sit up and wrench the dam ugly thing off and toss it onto the floor. He chuckles " I am so obsessed with your breasts, " I always have been. He moves his lips and takes one nipple deep into his mouth and sucks. I wrap my hand back in his hair and all thoughts of gently touches evaporate as I pull at his hair.
I will admit, that I am one that likes to be in complete control, Think about what is going to happen, make plans, fill out schedules, and analyze both data and humans with equal vigor.
None of that happened for me. I wasn't able to have a coherent thought. The snuggles were a forgotten memory. He used his teeth, and lips and fingers unmercifully over my body. I ached all over and was making all sorts of feral animal noises. Yes I 've read all those fan fiction stories about growling but heard strange growling sounds and realized that it was ME. The coupling was fierce, carnal and explosive for both of us both. His first coherent comment after we had come back to reality was, " Look we've torn all the sheets off your bed." " Who cares" I comment. , I expect him to rather quickly make an excuse and leave. I was again suprised when he pulled me into his embrace and hugged me tightly. He put his hand on my breast possessively and spooned my body with his. Our sweat slicked bodies generating incredible amounts of heat still.
"I guess it was the foot dancing that pushed you over the edge?" I laughed. I felt his laughter rumble in my back.
He was seeking some sort of positive feedback from me about our activities because he made a comment " you liked it when.. " I interrupted him and answered, I liked all the parts." "I guess we just had to get that out of the way so that we could snuggle comfortably." I tease, as now our limbs were comfortable intertwined without the same tension as before.
We both doze in and out of sleep but manage to spoon one another amid our both tossing and turning.
Morning comes, as does my vacationing conscious. He slips out of bed and says he needs to get home. I get up and go into the bathroom. I go into the kitchen and turn on my computer and grab a diet Pepsi from my fridge. He comes out of the bathroom.
" I wish I had something to offer you to drink?" I say holding up the diet Pepsi.
" No, don't worry about it. He pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek. " I've got to go."
I walk him to the door, and we make small talk. " I'll call you" he replies like a cliché and I say, " I'll see you on Monday.
He leaves and I can still feel his hands and lips and fingers all over my body. < Great now you've done it, not only have you screwed with you friendship, you can't tell any of your friends because they won't understand. Shit, I think looking out my backdoor at the circle of burnt grass I don't understand either.>
The End
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