Spanked -- by Echo

Rating: PG-13

Description: Buffy and Riley take a certain blonde to LA to see his "dad". Wackiness ensues.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, so please don't sue this girl.

Leah, this one's for you.

Riley was grinding his teeth as they entered the city. He was going with Buffy to meet her dad, but that wasn't why he was grinding his teeth. It was because of the backseat driver.

"I still don't see why we had to bring him."

Buffy sighed. "We're just dropping him off. They just want to make sure he's ok."

"They who? You're being very mysterious about this, Buffy."

"Bloody hell, slayer. We're already in the city. Just tell nancyboy where we're going so he'll piss off. Or I'll tell him. We're going to see my poofy-"

Buffy whipped around in the passenger's seat and waved her finger at him menacingly as she had done about a hundred times in the last ten minutes. "Shut up, Spike."

"Take a right up here, mate."

"Shut up."

Riley couldn't have gotten a bigger shock if Spike had leaned over and bit him on the ass. They knocked on the door to the apartment and who pulls open the door?

"Peaches!" Spike screamed, and threw himself at a very startled Angel, who'd been stepping out.

Riley whipped around to Buffy. "Angel?!"

"If I told you, you wouldn't have done it."

"Damn right I wouldn't have."


"Get off me." Angel growled.

"Awww, Daddy, don't be like that."

Angel stepped back into the apartment and Spike was repelled by the invisible barrier.

"Spike, why don't you come on in." Cordelia's voice called from the living room. Spike rushed past Angel. They heard Cordelia squeal, then a loud thud. "Keep off me, peroxide."

Angel looked at they two people still in the doorway. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's an asshole?" Buffy offered.

"Hey! I heard that, slayer."

"I know you did, ass." She looked at Angel. "He's just a little wired from the trip. He slept all the way until we were like ten minutes from the city."

"Perfect." Angel groaned. A hyper Spike.

"Well, Buffy, we should be going." Riley grabbed her arm and tried to steer her away. He got the glare of his life from her.

"Not before we've made sure Spike is settled in. His stuff is still in the car. And I haven't said hi to Cordelia."

Buffy shoved past Angel into the apartment. Riley sighed and followed her. Angel closed the door and grinned. For some reason he got perverse satisfaction out of Buffy being irritated with Riley.

Buffy walked into the living room with the two guys close behind her. Spike and Cordelia were sitting on the couch.

"Thanks for joining us." Spike jumped up and grabbed Cordelia's cordless phone off the coffee table. He put it to his mouth like a microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present Slutty the Vampire Layer in her lovely blue strappy sundress with tiny yellow flowers and matching, but sensible for slaying, shoes. Hair held up by the nice blue clip one Willow 'I hide my lovely figure under hideous clothing' Rosenberg gave to her. Simply stunning, as always. Behind her lumbers the pillock known as Backstreet Riley or Doofus Finn. His unoriginal wardrobe consisting of jeans, sneakers, and a t shirt. And the hair, well, we won't even comment on the hair. And the saddest thing? He wants it that'a way. Lastly we have His Poofness, Peaches, King of all hairgel-wearing, soul-havin' nancyboys. His wardrobe? All black, what a shock. A must for any brooder. Still looking good after over two centuries, despite the hair that defies all laws of God and man, not to mention gravity."

Cordelia was laughing so hard she had rolled off the sofa. There were tears coming out of her eyes. Angel didn't know if he should laugh or not. He wanted to. He'd forgotten how funny Spike could be when he got all wired. Plus, it sounded as if his childe didn't like Riley, and that gave Angel reason to grin. Then someone knocked again. Angel looked at Cordelia. She shook her head indicating she wasn't expecting anyone else. Buffy was still standing like a statue glaring at Spike.

"You really think I look stunning?"

Spike grinned at her. "No slayer's ever looked better, pet. Not every girl can slay in style."


"Buffy, I hardly think-" Riley started.

"Sod off." Spike cut in.

And then SHE stormed in with Angel following her.

"Look, I don't care, Angel. Someone's doing it, and I know you know who it is!"

"Again?" Cordelia sighed.

"Doing what?" Buffy asked. The other woman turned, and Buffy once again found herself looking at the face of Kate Lockley.

"Draining people of their blood. " Kate spat. She recognized the blonde girl.

"Why would he know?" Buffy put her hands on her hips.

"He IS a vampire."

"Who's the bitch?" Spike asked.

They were trying to form a plan, but Spike kept singing.

"I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows. I can taste you on my lips, and smell you in my clothes. Cinnamon and sugary, and softly spoken lies. You never know just how you look, through other people's eyes."

"Stop that. I'm gonna dream that damn song if you don't stop singing it." Cordelia's teeth were gritted.

"Sorry, ducks. I heard it on the way here and it's stuck, you know?"

"Well, don't get it 'stuck' for the rest of us. Because I sure don't want to hear YOU singing it in my head."

Spike grinned at her. They were sitting on the couch with Cordelia's laptop looking up any information they could about the victims. Then he looked over at the rest of the group. They were hunched over a map of the city talking about where each victim had been found. All signs pointed to a nest of vampires. His sire kept sneaking glances at the slayer out of the corner of his eye. And soldierboy was... looking at the detective? Spike shook his head to clear it. Nope, still there. He was looking at her like he wanted to throw her down on the table and have at it. If it were his girl in a room with her ex, he sure would be glancing at any other woman that way. He'd be shooting daggers at the poof. If the slayer noticed where he boy's eyes were, there was no telling how ugly it could get. Spike decided he wanted to stir up trouble. A distraction. And the best way to do that was sitting right next to him.

Cordelia froze when Spike put his hand on her bare knee. She turned and looked at him, but he was looking intently at the screen of her laptop. The hand moved up a little, and she jumped, her laptop nearly ending up on the floor. Spike grabbed it and set it on the coffee table.

"What ARE you doing?" She whispered through gritted teeth.

"Stirring up trouble."

His hand shot all the way up the inside of her thigh. Cordelia gasped and tried to slap him, but he caught her wrist with his other hand. Cordelia looked at the table and noticed no one was noticing this. She opened her mouth to yell for Angel, but Spike got to it first.

Everyone looked up at the strangled cry of rage that errupted from Cordelia. Angel's jaw dropped. Spike was laying half on top of her. She had a handful of the back of his hair and was holding him away her, but that wasn't the jaw-dropper. The most disturbing part of it was the way Spike had his tongue out trying to lick her.


He ran over and yanked Spike off of her. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Angel bellowed.

But Buffy knew. She was almost grateful to him, but she'd seen it. He'd done it for nothing. "Leave him alone, Angel." Her voice sounded so defeated.

Spike looked up at her. "Ah, pet, I'm sorry." She smiled at him sadly.

"Hello, I'm the one you should be apologizing to. I'm the one you tried to choke with your tongue." Cordelia had her hands on her hips.

Spike licked his lips and grinned wickedly at her. "But I'm not sorry about that, ducks. You taste just like honey."

Cordelia couldn't help it. She shivered.

"You keep away from her." Angel growled.

"Aww, Peaches, you jealous? What you going to do if I don't? Spank me?" He leaned in to Angel's face. "You know I always liked that."

Kate leaned over to Riley. "What's with the two of them?"

"I have no idea." He was startled by her nearness. He could smell her soap. It had a slight floral quality to it. He turned to look down at her. "No idea." Riley was fighting a strong urge to kiss her right there. Girlfriend or not.

Kate stared at the guy that was staring down at her. She'd only met him a little while ago, and she wanted nothing more than to attack him and rip his clothes off. She got the feeling Angel didn't like him, and that only made her want him more.

Cordelia noticed Buffy's boyfriend and creepy cop lady staring at each other like they were Max Evans and Liz Parker, and suddenly, she totally got it. In that instant, she liked Spike more than she had ever liked anyone. She knew what it was like to discover that your boyfriend was liking someone who wasn't you. He was just trying to spare Buffy some hurt with a distraction. Well, Cordelia would play along.

"I'll spank him." Suddenly, all eyes were on her. "Angel, go get my spatula out of the drawer in the kitchen."

"WHAT!" Angel was staring at her like she'd grown another head.

Buffy wanted to laugh. She would have if she hadn't been so upset about Riley's behavior.

"I SAID go get my spatula. I'm gonna spank me some dead ass." She studied her nails and tried not to laugh. "You can be next if you like."

Angel made a sqeak noise that sounded like something Willow would have done, and Buffy lost it. She just gave in and started laughing. She roared. It was just too hysterical. Her ex boyfriend looked like he might keel over at any minute from shock. Her current boyfriend was undressing a woman she strongly disliked with his eyes. Cordelia looked determined to carry out her threat, and Spike looked absolutely thrilled at the prospect of being spanked by a cooking utensil. It was just too much. She knew he life could change with every breath she took, but this was a little ridiculous. And then it got a little worse.

The door banged against the wall of the apartment as Wesley rushed in. He stopped when he noticed all the people in the room.

"Detective Lockley." Then his eyes fell on the girl who used to be one of his slayers. "Hello, Buffy. I say, it's good you're here."

"Who's this wanker then?" Spike asked.

"Oh that's just Wesley. He was Buffy's watcher." Cordelia moved to stand next to Spike.

"I thought Rupert was her watcher."

"He was, but-"

Wesley interrupted. "Exposition later. Saving people from vampires now."

"Where?" Buffy had already switched to slayer mode.

They were all trapsing through the sewer. Buffy felt like she spent half her life in sewer systems - the other half in cemeteries. Spike was keeping up a constant stream of whispered dialogue that was making Cordelia giggle and Angel growl. Buffy slowed her steps so she could hear. Spike was singing a song to the tune of 'I'm Henry the Eighth'. He was making up his own words, and it started cracking her up.

"I'm Angel the Poof, I am. Angel the Poof, Iam, I am. I got shagged by the slayer next door, and now we don't get to shag anymore. Cause if we do I'll be Angelus. Angelus. The biggest rat bastard of a whore-"

"Shut up."

"Oh I'm sorry, Captain Soul. Am I bothering you?"

"YES." Angel's teeth were gritted.

"Alright then. Moving on. Say, soldierboy, how'd it feel to have the poof kick your ass all over Sunnyhell?"

"What?" Cordelia looked from Angel to Spike.

"Peaches didn't tell you? Oh, ducks, it was ab fab. GI Joe thought he was bad, but hairboy killed all that noise real quick. I heard all about it. One of Willy's customers was on a rooftop nearby and saw the whole thing. Peaches kicked him some farmboy ass that night. Pitched GI Joe all over that alley like he was Miss Edith or something."

"Angel." Cordelia admonished.

"He started it."

"Shh. We're here." Buffy started to climb up the ladder.

Buffy looked around. They were in an empty warehouse. She didn't see anything but rats. Then again, it was dark, and all the lights were off.

"I smell blood, slayer."

"Is he a vampire, too?" Kate asked.

"Duh." Spike scowled at her. She was glaring at him. "Talk to Mr. Vamp Detective. He did it. He made me. I'm all his fault."

"Shh!" Buffy was turning circles looking into the darkness.

Suddenly, the lights came on. They were surrounded. Angel recognized some of the vampires from the group that had attacked Gunn and his group. A tall female with stepped out of the center towards them.

"What HAVE we here?"

"Trouble, if you don't back off, pet."

"Who the hell are you?" She snarled at Spike.

"William the Bloody. Who the hell are you?"

"You're William the Bloody? Right. Whatever." She folded her arms across her chest.

"He is, and you're so about to get your ass kicked." Cordelia snapped.

"Is that so, girl?"

"It is so. You don't even know what you've got in this bunch, but I can tell you it includes a slayer."

"You're the slayer?"

"No, retard." Cordelia snorted. A vampire walked too close to Buffy. The hand with her stake shot out and got him. "She is."

Chaos errupted in the room.

Angel was likey to never forget then events of that night. It burned right in to his brain. Right into his soul. It was so strange the way it all went down. The way it changed everything.

They had dispatched of them all. Dust all around. Then Angel heard gunshots. He didn't think. He just dove for Cordelia who was next to him. She sailed into Spike, and the three of them toppled to the ground. Angel felt two bullets hit his back. He saw Buffy dive for Wesley. They rolled behind a wall. Kate grabbed Riley and yanked him behind a column in the center of the warehouse.

The next thing he saw was her dart out and start returning fire. He heard a grunt and knew she'd hit something. He saw Buffy had sneaked that way. He rolled off of Cordelia and Spike to join her. They crept to the dark area where they could hear moaning. A vampire was laying in the shadows holding his gut. Buffy leaned down and staked him. She tossed his dropped gun to Angel.

"Well, that was sort of anti-climatic after the gunfire."

Angel grinned. "It was."

They walked back to the center of the warehouse. They were met by Wesley, Spike, and Cordelia.

"Where's Riley?" Buffy looked around in panic, thinking he might have gotten shot. She ran to the column she'd seen the detective pull him behind. She cleared the other side of it and froze. Her eyes filled with tears, and her hands went involutarily to her mouth. The others ran around to see what was wrong. Cordelia gasped. Riley and Kate were kissing. And groping.

Angel had never been so upset on someone's behalf before. Riley was supposed to be Buffy's 'normal life' guy. And he was kissing Kate, not Buffy. Angel did the only thing he could think of to get her mind off of the current situation.

Buffy was numb. Then Angel grabbed her. He mind barely registered what he was doing. Then next thing she knew he was kissing her. She stood frozen. Not responding. Riley was kissing someone else. Angel was kissing her. ANGEL was kissing HER. The stake fell out of her hand. She grabbed the back of his head and rammed her tongue into his mouth. He moaned and wrapped his arms around her back. Every kiss they'd ever shared was running through the back of Buffy's mind. She was determined to leave them all in the dust. She hadn't realized how much she missed this. He was so cold to the touch, but he could always set her on fire.

Spike, Cordelia, and Wesley stood stunned. The knew they should turn away, but were unable and unwilling to. It was amazing. The second Buffy gave in the room had exploded with passion. Spike was silently cheering in his head. Sure, he didn't like the slayer with the poof, but he was a hell of a lot better than GI Joe. At least Spike respected his sire, somewhat.

Buffy wrapped her arms around Angel's neck and hopped up. He caught her easy and put one arm under her behind as she wrapped her legs around him. The other hand gripped the back of her head.

"Um, Angel? Buffy?" Cordelia said when Riley had stopped and looked up.

Buffy tore her mouth away from Angel's, and he started nibbling on her neck. "Yes." She breathed.

"Soldierboy's staring, pet."

Angel pulled back from her neck, and Buffy looked in his eyes. "Thanks. I needed that."


Angel set Buffy back on her feet. She turned and looked at Riley. He was beet-red. No one said anything.

Spike decided to break the silence. "So, Delia, baby, you still willing to spank this dead ass?" Spike grabbed her hand and set in on one of his butt cheeks.

Wesley gave a horrified gasp. Cordelia laughed and squeezed. Spike grinned at her wickedly.


"Thanks, Will. Bye." Cordelia hung up the phone.

"And how's Willow?" The shades were drawn tight and Spike was stretched out on her sofa. His bare foot tapping a glass ball on their Christmas tree.

"She said she'll be down to visit after the new year. She's good, but, uh, Miss Kitty Fantastico decided to jump on their new curtains and slide all the way down. Tara was not pleased. Stop that." His foot stopped.

"Tara showed an emotion besides nervous fear?"


"Sorry, ducks. How's Rupert? Anya? Joyce? the whelp? the slayer?"

"Giles is good. He opened a bookstore with Xander if you can believe that. Anya's going to school at UC Sunnydale. Miss Summers has a new boyfriend, and Buffy well...."

"What about Buffy?" Angel was standing in the doorway with an apron on.

Someone knocked at the door. Cordelia smiled widely. She went and threw open the door. She grabbed the person on the other side and hugged her.

"Cordelia, what about Buffy?" Angel said again.

"Well, you should ask her yourself. She's right here." Cordelia giggled.



The tortured staring was interrupted by Spike grabbing Buffy and twirling her around.

"Put me down, you undead psycho."

"But I've missed you, slayer."


"He actually has. It's sort of disturbing." Cordelia added.

Spike scowled at Cordelia then turned back to Buffy. "So how are things, pet?"

"They got married, you know."

Cordelia sighed. "We know. She actually invited us."

"Did you go?"

"Oh hell no, be real, Buffy. Besides it was during the day."

"Sorry, Cor."

"I'm glad you stopped by. Will you stay for dinner? I didn't cook, I promise. Angel did."

"If that's ok." She looked at Angel when she said this.

"It's more than ok." He smiled at her.

He went back into the kitchen. Buffy followed him. Cordelia grabbed Spike and pulled him into the living room.

"I want to hear what's going on, Delia."

"They need alone time."

"She looked pathetic."

"Well, you'd look pretty pathetic too if your ex boyfriend up and married someone he'd only known for six months last weekend."

"What a wanker."

"I agree."

"Nice apron."


"So how's it been living with Spike AND Cordelia?" Buffy was nervous. She been thinking about this moment for days. She been thinking about him all semester. Everybody thought she was upset about Riley. Screw Riley. No, that was Kate's job. All Buffy had ever wanted was standing right next to her, and for the first time, it looked like she actually might be able to have it.

"He's not so bad." Angel was stirring something on the stove. He was trying not to look at her because if he did, he knew he'd loose it. He'd throw her down and kiss her until she couldn't breath anymore.

"I have something to tell you."

"Go on."

"Willow and Tara finally found it."

"Found what?"

"A way to make your soul a forever thing."


"ANGEL!" His shirt sleeve was on fire. She yanked his arm to the sink and turned on the tap.

"Are you guys ok?" Cordelia and Spike were in the doorway.

"We're perfect." Angel grabbed Buffy and kissed her.

"Aww, I think I'm gonna bloody puke." Spike started making gag noises.

"Can it, blondie, or you'll feel the flat end of my spatula."

"Oh, pet, you promise."

Buffy pulled away from Angel and looked at them. "You two are the weirdest couple."

"Like you're one to talk, slayer. I'm not the one sucking face with my enemy."

"Naw, you just let her spank you."

"Oh ha ha, slayer. What's with the kissing?"

"Someone just found out what Willow and Tara are getting him for Christmas."

"And what would that be?"

"Let's just say you'll be able to call him soulboy no matter what."

"Oh Angel." Cordelia ran over and hugged him.

"Does that mean you'll come to visit more often, slayer?"

"It does."

"Well then sod GI Joe and his love at first sight with Detective Bitch. I never believed in that love at first sight crap anyhow."

"No." Buffy looked at Angel. "Love at first sight is a total myth."

He smiled at her. "Never happens."

"No way." She wrapped her arms around him.

"Nope." He kissed her.

"Oh bloody hell!"

"What?" Cordelia asked. Angel and Buffy looked up. "I'm goona have to change the words to 'I'm Angel the Poof '."

"Keep it up, fang. It's about to get you a one way ticket to Spanksville."

Spike grinned and took off running. "I'm Angel to poof, I am. Angel the poof, Iam , Iam. I got shagged...."

Angel handed Cordelia the spatula and she took off after Spike.

"Are they always like this?" Buffy asked.


"Wow. I'll have to tell Willow everybody really is getting spanked but her."


"Sorry old joke."

"Tell me."


"Don't make me make you."

"What are you gonna do? Spank me?"

"Now there's a thought." He pulled a wire wisk out of a drawer.

"You're gonna spank me with that?"

He stalked towards her. "A smart person would have run by now."

"A smarter person would want to be caught."

He wrapped his arms around her. Cordelia was shrieking in the other room. "I got you."

"Yes, you do."

Buffy took a deep breath. Her life had just changed again.

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