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Nor a Borrower Be -- by Bruce "Berloke" MacDonald, additional dialogue and editing by Duncan Paton.
Rating: PG-13
Description: "So in your reality I'm a Bad Ass Vampire?" - Xander, Dopplegangland . . . . You ain't seen nothing yet
Note: This story is set between "Helpless" and "The Zeppo"
Disclaimer: It isn't even remotely copyrighted. If Joss Whedon feels like given me a ton of cash for it, fine, but I'm not holding my breath. Meanwhile you buggers can steal it if you like, only don't make it funnier. That would make me feel bad.
-- Inside Sunnydale High, lunchtime. The no-neck guy who hassled Cordelia in Helpless is at it again. He's got his "posse" with him, as he gives more verbals to Cordelia. --
No Neck: I mean, what is your problem? I know you need to date someone cool after Harris.
Cordelia: What's MY problem? What about yours?
No Neck: What problems? (showing off to his mates) I mean, do you guys see any faults here?
Posse mutter assent, grinning like wankers.
Cordelia: Well I'll write them down, if you give me a big piece of paper and a fine tip pen.
No Neck: That's enough
Larry appears
Larry: I totally agree.
The posse guys crowd him out.
No Neck: Get him out of here
Posse Bloke 1: I don't want to touch him
Posse Bloke 2: Damn fairy.
Larry goes a wee bit ballistic, and throws the two wisecracking guys into nearby lockers and so on.. The others grab him, and No Neck is about to punch him when Buffy intervenes. She sends No Neck flying, and together her and Larry send the others running off a little bruised.
Cordelia: Thanks Larry. Buffy, I see you lasted a whole week without hitting anybody. If that's a record, well done.
Cordelia storms off the other way
Buffy: I'm amazed Xander put up with her for so long.
Larry: Well that one was doomed from the start.
Buffy: All they seemed to have was hormones.
Larry: And even that was a lie. Poor guy. Damn shame.
Buffy: What do you mean?
Larry: Oh nothing.
Buffy: I gotta say I love the new you Larry. I mean before, no offense, but you were a bit of a caveman.
Larry: Well, everyone can change. They just gotta let themselves, you know?
He gives her a knowing avuncular look that Buffy can't read at all, then she gives up and wanders off.
Outside Sunnydale High, at the end of the school day. Xander, Oz and Willow are sitting on the steps.
Willow: So Buffy's back to full strength?
Oz: That's the word on the street.
Xander: The Buffy Mustang is firing on all eight cylinders.
Faith walks up the steps
Faith: 'Bout time, too. Solo slaying was getting majorly dull. Speaking of which, I'm late for my daily dose of Britishness. If I don't run now they'll be new a Slayer on the scene. See you round
Exeunt Faith
Xander: Wow, Faith worried about a tardy? Giles must really be into General Patton mode
Oz: No man, he'd be Field Marshall Monty. British
Willow: Or Field Marshall Full Monty. Full Monty. Imagine Giles doing the... No don't.
Suitably disgusted expressions on their faces
Oz: Never before have so many owed so much "ewwww" to so few.
Willow: I didn't mean to, i-i-it was a mistake, I was young and foolish and now I've unleashed a monster.
Pause. Further disgust appears.
All: EWWW!
Xander: Will, May suggest a better choice of words? None.
Buffy approaches
Xander: Buffy! Come speak to us, about anything at all except Giles nmfmf (muffled by Willow)
Buffy: That was my original plan.
Willow: But Buffy, you just missed Faith, and she says Giles is Fascist Time-Keeping Guy today. You'd better go.
Buffy: I can hang. He's just giving Faith a hard time because he's gotta be nice to me. I just mention my Mom and he's like coupon day at Apologies'R'Us.
Oz: Emotional blackmail huh? Cunning.
Buffy: Come to think of it he was kinda twitchy about Mom even before he almost got her eaten. Anyway what're you guys doing? Apart from talking about Giles "nyumf nyumf?".
Xander: Hoping and praying you'd stay off that topic. Are you sure you don't need to go train?
Willow: Giles does get cranky.
Buffy: Thanks for the welcome. I suppose I better be a good little slayer. Don't worry. Giles may be "nyumf nyumf", but I've got him wrapped around my little finger.
Exeunt Buffy. Looks of darkest horror of the remaining faces. Even Oz.
Intro Theme
The Library, Giles is clearly annoyed. Faith is hanging back out of the way.
Enter Buffy.
Giles: What the bloody hell kept you? It does not take three quarters of an hour to get from class to here. It is imperative that you and Faith adhere to a proper training schedule until your new Watcher arrives.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just wanted to phone home to make sure Mom was okay
Giles: Oh, I see. Well I, er, see. I trust she is...
Buffy: She's fine.
Giles: Good
Faith: Hey, do I get to take a half hour break to phone my Mom?
Giles: I thought you didn't know where she was.
Faith: Damn. British memories suck..
Giles: Well in any case we have a lot of work coming our way. I'll need both of you on patrol tonight.
Buffy: Why the double bill?
Giles: Vampire attacks are well down from usual in all of the surrounding areas. In fact the last two days have seen virtually none for a radius of around a hundred miles.
Faith: I know, last night was about as busy as your social life.
Giles: My social life is alive and well thank you very much. Why just last week, well last month.....Well I've been working a lot...now that I've been sacked.
Buffy: Vampires? Lack of?
Faith: Yeah isn't that reason to party? All the vampires being dead or retired?
Giles: My sources tell me they haven't died, they're just in transit.
Buffy: Ooh Let me guess where they're headed? Is the first letter an "S"
Faith: And I'll bet a months rent the next letter is "UNNYDALE"
Giles: I'm afraid you'd be on a sure-fire winner. My sources...
Buffy: What sources? I thought the Council shut them down?
Giles: Well they have, but I got to them before the Council's memo did. And I have a few, erm unofficial contacts that don't quite see eye to eye with the Council. Or possess eyes for that matter. Plenty of ears, though.
Buffy: See, you do have a social life. Lots of eyeless eary friends.
Giles: This is no time to be flippant, Buffy. The indications are that someone, or something is organizing this migration, and until we know why, I suggest you exercise extreme caution. Vampires don't leave their territory unless they have a good reason. Whoever is behind this must have something they find worthwhile. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find the things that could draw such a crowd.
Cut to interior shot of warehouse. Heavy curtains cover the windows. Ethan Rayne is standing in the middle of a large circular mystic symbol with runes etc. painted on the ground. He is holding a large ornate staff with a jeweled orb at the top. Three vampires are standing outside the circle
Ethan: Spirit of Hades, I beseech you, Let your ungodly servants step into the light and deliver your vengeance on the living
One of the vampires steps into the circle. A glowing light bursts from the staff to the vampire.
Vampire: Has it worked?
Ethan: You're sure you've not fed in the last three days?
Vampire: Not a drop, just like you said.
Ethan: Then it's worked. Allow me to prove it.
Ethan walks up the vampire and holds a cross in his face. It doesn't flinch. Ethan pulls out a flask marked "Holy Water"
Ethan: Care for a drink?
Splashes the water on the vamps face. Nothing happens.
Ethan: And now for the biggest thrill of all.
He reaches for a rope pulley, which pulls aside a curtain. Sunlight falls on the vampire, but doesn't kill it. He stakes the vamp, but again, it's fine.
Ethan (to other two): Now go and spread the word. No more skulking around in the sewers, my friends. No more running from every do-gooder with a cross. We're going to take back the day, and make the world our slave.
The two vampires leave via a manhole in the floor, grinning evilly
Ethan: And now, let's discuss my payment.
Vampire pulls out a big wad of cash.
Vampire: Five grand, as agreed
Ethan: Excellent. (takes the money) There is one more thing. I need some extra cat litter for my tabby, Mordred. Care to volunteer?
He pulls the rope some more, and reveals the fact the original sunlight was reflected off a mirror. As the rope is pulled, real sunlight comes in and burns the vampire, and dusts it in seconds. He fetches a broom, and sweeps up what's left of the vamp.
Ethan: There's one bitten every minute.
He walks up to a sink on one of the walls, and refills the "holy water" bottle from the tap. The Mayor and Mr. Trick step out of the shadows.
Mayor: Very efficient set-up Mr. Rayne. Mr. Trick informs me that you're quite a hit.
Mr. Trick: The grapevine's jumping, and every vamp not working for us is lining up to get killed.
Mayor: It's a crying shame. When I think of all that untapped potential just going to waste for lack of a little vision., well it just makes me want to cuss. Darn. Hooey. Nope, still don't feel better. Well I made them the offer, which they could refuse , and now I guess they'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives..
Mr. Trick: That won't take long. (Handles the cross and the stake) What's with these?
Ethan: The stake isn't wood. It's carbon fibre, and the cross is made of the bones of a heretic.
Mayor: How inventive. Mr. Rayne, you stand to make a great deal of money from this venture. Have you considered donating some to charitable causes?
Ethan: Such as?
Mayor: Well, the Sunnydale Orphan's Trust is always in need of funding, but I think you should consider donations out of town . After all, we want to make your contribution last.
Cut to night-time. Buffy and Faith are patrolling in the park.
Faith: Man, this sucks. Nothing, not even a hint of slayage. I need to stake something or I'm gonna explode.
Buffy: I know exactly what you mean.
Faith: See? I think you're finally getting that whole "slaying is fun" concept. Only took you three years B.
Buffy: No, I mean I want to make sure I'm back to normal. Or abnormal.
Faith: Can't you just feel it? Running through you, I mean? Man, I remember what it was like, being weak. I can hardly believe I lived like that. And the Council want to do it on purpose? They try that crap on me, and this slaying drought ends, I tell you that.
Buffy: It wasn't the best birthday I've ever had.
Faith: But still better than the one before. I mean, at least no-one did a Darth Vader.
Buffy: Faith,
Faith: I know, you don't like to talk. I've dropped it already. In fact, I'm outta here. There's some really exciting static on TV right now.
Buffy: We haven't done the Restfield yet...
Faith: And you think it's gonna be a Mardi Gras for the gross? This town is dead B, I'm going home.
Cut to Buffy walking through Restflield cemetery. She sees two vamps, one fat one has just started feeding on a woman, one standing back.
Thin Vamp: Hey, you can't eat her, dumbass. Now you gotta stay off blood for three days. What, are you Sunnydale guys stupid?
Buffy: Hey, you can eat the people, but don't badmouth my town's undead.
Thin vamp and Buffy fight, Buffy stakes him, turns to face Fat Vamp
Buffy: Oh, by the way, I lied about eating being okay.
They fight, Buffy pins Fat Vamp down.
Buffy: Your friend was right, you should lay off the blood. Little out of shape.
Stakes Vamp
Cut to Library, next day Scooby Gang sitting at table.
Buffy: I don't get it Giles, we did the whole town, and all I saw was two vamps. This town should be crawling by now
Giles: Yes, I must confess it has me perplexed. And you said one was from out of town?
Buffy: I think so.
Willow: What's with the three days thing. They'll all starving and for what?
Giles: Again, I'm not sure. I've looked through all the rituals concerning increasing a vampire's power, and none mention fasting beforehand. I'm still not entirely sure they have come here. After all, you did only see..
Willow: No, they're here.
Giles: Willow, how do you know?
Willow: I read it in a fortune cookie?
Giles: Did you read the aether?
Xander: She wouldn't need to. I mean cookies are the up and coming source of wisdom. In a couple of years, Cookie Monster will be like Yoda in blue.
Giles: Thank you Xander, Willow?
Willow: No , no I didn't read it. In the sense that yes I did.
Giles: Willow, the aether can be deadly, especially if all the vampires are here. They can infect you with their emotions, their needs and their unnatural urges, and that could drive you insane.
Willow: I only took a little. And I just got really hungry.
Giles: Well, you'd best be getting to your classes. There's nothing useful here. I'll widen my research.
Giles and Scooby Gang walking out:
Xander: Hey Willow, are we still on for ice cream and algebra at your place tonight?
Willow: Yay on the math, nay on the ice cream. I ate it all last night.
Buffy: Okay, then Jell-O?
Willow: No.
Xander: Cookies?
Willow: No
Buffy: Frozen pizza?
Willow: No
Xander: Potato chips?
Willow: No
Buffy: Then we get takeout pizza
Oz: No, Yano's Place ran out of stock last night.
Willow: Sorry...
Cut to outside Willy's new place. Willy is taking out some rubbish bins. He turns and sees Giles behind him.
Willy: Grand Opening`s on Saturday, pal. And even if wasn't, we won't be serving sherry.
Giles: I'm here for information actually. There's a small army of vampires in town, and I'd like to know where.
Willy: You Buffy's Watcher?
Giles: Effectively.
Willy: Well I might know something, but you know vampires are good customers here. Why d'you think I'm expanding? I'd lose out if I told you anything
Giles: Here's a fifty dollar note.
Willy: You kidding? I just developed amnesia pal.
Giles: Here's another
Willy: Still sick...
Giles: Here's another
Willy: You know medical bills these days are way up. If I told you what Ethan's doing for a measly..
Giles slams him up against the wall.
Giles: Ethan! Why is he here?
Willy: My amnesia just got worse. I don't remember any Ethan
Giles produces some wicked looking heavy duty pliers.
Giles: They used to call me Ripper. Ethan still does. Would you like to find out why?
Willy: Praise be! I'm cured! Okay, the vamps are way underground, but they're gonna come up to the warehouse on Edmund Street.
Giles: Why?
Willy: He's got something planned there, something big. That's all I know
Giles: Ethan likes to brag. I know that's not everything
Willy: Really! I just know what the vamps tell me, and they're being pretty discreet
Giles puts the pliers to Willy's mouth
Giles: Are you fond of solid food?
Willy : I swear, that's everything I know.
Giles throw Willy down and storms off
-- Cut to interior Willy's bar, in utility room in back. We see Ethan Rayne. --
Willy: You know that guy has a lot of hostility. To you I mean.
Ethan: Did he buy it?
Willy: Yes sir, hook, line and sinker.
Ethan: Excellent. I'd better get over there now. Give my regards to your customers.
Willy: Yeah, my crash dieting customers. You know start-up costs are a nightmare. I mean I move to a bigger place, and all of a sudden you turn up, and all the vamps turn into Karen Carpenter. I want this place to be a success.
Ethan: You'll compensated in full, don't you worry.
Cut to Sunnydale High, the Gang are in class. Giles enters and speaks to the teacher, bearded one of hangman "they always go for the "E"" fame
Teacher: Okay, Messrs Harris, Osburne, Rosenberg and Summers. Mr. Giles has an exciting errand for you to run. You are excused. Please see me tomorrow to catch up your work.
Cut to corridor.
Xander: So what gives, Giles, have you finally realized what a waste of time Geography is and spared us?
Giles: Do shut up Xander. Oz, is your van here?
Oz: Yeah, we had practice in second period.
Cut to interior of Oz's van
Giles: Ethan Rayne is back. He's behind the vampire migration. I know where he is, we have get there immediately. Buffy, call Angel, and tell him to wait for us. I've been in touch with Faith and told her to meet us there too.
We'll use Oz's van to transport Angel and ourselves to Ethan's warehouse. Willow, I have no idea what to expect, so you bring as many wiccan supplies as you can fit in the van. I may need you to defuse whatever Ethan has planned.
Xander: So what do I do?
Giles: Nothing actually.
Xander: Why am I here then?
Giles: Clerical error?
Cut to interior of Ethan's warehouse. He is standing in the centre of the circle, wearing an Egyptian crescent necklace thing, and holding a staff similar to the one he had earlier, but with a different colored jewel at the top. He is chanting in Incan. As his chant reaches its end, the circle flashes with colored light. The doors burst in as Oz drives the van through them. Angel, Faith and Buffy jump out and surround Ethan.
Giles: Stay out of the circle!
Ethan: Buffy! Ripper! How delightful to see you again. Angel, isn't it? And you must be Faith.
Giles: What does the staff do, Ethan?
Ethan: Why don't you try and take it from me?
Faith: How stupid do you...
Xander rushes Ethan and wrestles the staff from him, Xander ends up holding it, lying on the floor. Giles rushes in
Giles: Stay out the circle!
He fights Ethan, which takes them out of the circle. Giles overpowers Ethan, and forces him over a workbench.
Faith, Buffy and Angel are on the other side of the circle from Giles, and Xander is now standing in the middle.
Giles: What does the staff do?
Ethan: Nothing, Ripper, I'm just trying to get a place on the marching band.
Giles forces Ethans hand into a vice on the workbench.
Buffy: Giles, no!
Ethan: I agree
Giles begins to turn the vice. As it begins to crush Ethan's hand, Buffy, Faith and Angel run into the circle to get to Giles.
Ethan: No, don't do that!
Giles: Then tell me what the staff does.
Ethan: Not you, but you too. Ow.
As the three get fully into the circle, a weird shimmery effect pass between them to Xander. They fall down, unconscious. Giles is distracted, and Ethan knocks him out with a nearby wrench, then frees his hand.
Ethan: Told you so
He picks up the staff and runs off. He stops and look back at the pile of money from earlier, which is sitting on the workbench. Oz and Willow run in and revive the others. Ethan sees them coming round, curses and leaves.
Angel: Everybody okay?
Buffy: Kinda oogy. What happened?
Willow: You went all blurry and fell over.
Giles: Ethan?
Oz: Took off.
Angel: Nice going Xander.
Xander: Hey, I got the staff. I had things well under control until you jumped in.
Angel: Xander, you jumped first. Into a mystic circle that you knew nothing about. How could you be so dumb? Oh wait, years of practice.
Xander: Listen, Dead Boy,
Angel: Don't call me that.
Xander: Okay then, Kid Corpse. At least I did something, acted like I got a pair. A pair that work anyway.
Angel takes a swing at Xander. He effortlessly parries it and shoves Angel in the chest so hard he flies out one the windows into the sunlight outside. Buffy runs up to Xander, wigging furiously
Buffy: You son of a bitch! I'll kill you!
Willow: Buffy, no!
Buffy swings Xander round to face her, and throws a monstrous right hook.
It bounces, with a sickly cracking sound, off Xander's vamped out face. Xander doesn't move an inch, but stares instead at his hand, not believing his strength. Angel staggers round to the hole left by Oz's van, bleeding from broken glass, and struggling for breath.
Angel: Buffy...help. I can't breathe
Buffy: Angel, my hand.
They slump to the floor in each other arms
Willow: Giles? What's going on
Xander: Buffy I didn't mean to...
He runs towards them. Oz steps in his way, brandishing a cross. Xander flinches and growls
Oz: Nothing personal man, but you look kind of vamped
Xander returns to human face
Xander: I'm not a vampire, look I can (reaches for the cross, but jerks away and vamps out again) Argh!
Willow and Oz now both hold crosses up to Xander, while Giles and Faith have by now got crossbows from the van
Xander: Please, you gotta believe me guys, I didn't mean to hurt Angel. (human face)
Giles: You threw him into the sun for the sake of his health?
Oz: But, it didn't kill him.
Xander: I didn't mean to throw him either, I can't do that, I'm a wuss, I'm Xander, Mr. Gets Beaten-Up Guy.
Willow: Remember my "what's going on" question, Giles? Can we answer it now?
Cut to Library. Oz and Giles wheel in a large cardboard box on a trolley. They bring it to a dark area of the room
Willow and Faith are in tow
Oz: Last stop, the Library. You can get out now
Xander gets out of the box
Xander: Perhaps my strangest entrance, and I fear my least stylish.
Giles: Lack of style aside it was the best way to get you here without sunlight.
Xander: And on that subject, why do I have these sunshine issues?
Giles: I think it's pretty obvious what has happened here. Somehow, Ethan's staff acted as a conduit for an interpersonal paranormal power transference. Clear?
Xander: On a scale of one to minus ten? No.
Giles: Angel and Buffy's strength was taken from them and given to you.
Faith: What about me?
Giles: Hmm?
Faith: I was there too, I got all blurred, didn't I?
Oz: One way to find out. Hit me
Faith squares up to Oz, and they exchange blows. Oz has the upper hand by some margin, parrying everything Faith throws at him.
Faith: Screw this
She runs out, tears in her eyes. The phone rings and Giles goes to answer it.
Oz: So I'm guessing Xander's now strong as two slayers and Angel? Xander, my man you are officially bad.
Willow: Well how come you aren't evil? You aren't evil, right? Please say you're not evil?
Xander: I'm not. I guess I must have picked up Angel's curse too. Soul Brother Xander. Maybe I should learn to play the blues.
Willows eyes go wide.
Willow: I hate you
Xander: What?
Willow: Yes, I hate you, for, for what you did to Buffy's hand. I'm going now and I never want to see you again.
Willow storms off. Xander looks crestfallen
Xander: Oz, man can you....
Oz: I'm on it.
Oz leaves. Cut to corridor
Oz: Willow?
Willow: Oz, don't you get it? If Xander gets happy, he will be evil, and if he's that strong.
Oz: I see. But he seemed pretty happy just before you...
Willow: Oh. But...wait, Xander's never, you know, done the true happiness thing. He hasn't, right?
Oz: I would ask Cordy, but I'm strangely fond of my kneecaps.
Willow: And now I feel guilty. I'll just tell him about the curse
Cut to Library
Willow: Okay Xander, I don't hate you, but stay upset, or you'll lose your soul. And then I will hate you. Of course you'll probably kill me before I get any real hatred going, but I can get cranky really fast.
Giles comes out his office
Giles: That was Buffy, she's at the hospital with Angel
Xander: How are they?
Giles: Well Angel is fine, just cuts and bruises, but Buffy's hand is broken.
Xander: Man I am so sorry
Willow: Good, I mean, well good. Sorry.
Giles: Well the good news is she'll be fine, it's a simple fracture. She'll be healed in under a month.
Willow: A whole month? Shame on you! (slaps Xander)
Xander: Hey, that...didn't actually hurt at all. How's your hand, Will?
Willow: Numb.
Cut to outside hospital. Buffy and Angel walk through the sunlight, Buffy's hand is taped up, Angel has small plasters on his face and hands.
Buffy: How do you feel? Apart from all the pain and stuff?
Angel: Great. I haven't felt sunlight in two centuries. Well, not without agonizing pain. You?
Buffy: Well I once feel asleep on the beach in LA for six hours, and that was pretty scorchy.
Angel: I meant the hand.
Buffy: I'll live. Xander must be feeling pretty crappy.
Angel: I hope so. (looks thoughtful)
Buffy: Angel, don't be mean. He didn't know he was.... whatever he is. I sure as hell didn't. Ow.
Angel: That's not what I meant, again. What about the curse? If Xander achieves true happiness, he'll be virtually unstoppable.
Buffy: But that depends on Xander, you know finding that lucky lady. We have his terrible track record working in our favor, right?
Angel: I don't know Buffy, I've killed more people than you've ever met. Enough to fill half this town. It took something pretty special to take that kind of pain away. Xander's an innocent.
Buffy: So he could turn at any moment.
Angel: We'd better get over there. Taxi!
Cut to Library. The gang are researching. Angel and Buffy enter
Xander: Buffy! How are you?
Buffy: We need to talk.
Angel: It's the curse. Your soul could be lost at any time. That happy-go-lucky thing you got? Used to be just annoying, now it's deadly.
Giles: Actually no, it isn't
Buffy: How?
Giles: Um, Willow?
Willow: Well, when I cast the curse, it was kind of specific, to Angel I mean. If it did get zapped into Xander. It wouldn't work.
Angel: So how come Xander still has his soul?
Giles: I need to look at some more texts, but I believe that the fact Xander has never been bitten prevented the demon from taking his body. Your strength, speed, vulnerability to sunlight and so on were transferred, but the demon, with no vampire blood in Xander's body, couldn't get in. I assume that's what Ethan was counting on when he tried to take your powers.
Angel: That sounds okay. So where's the demon?
Giles I don't have any idea.
Angel: Well I'm not missing it, that's for sure. I've had it's voice in my head for over two hundred years. It's nice to have the space to myself for a change.
Oz looks up from his book
Oz: Nothing in this we still have the vampire army problem.
Giles: Indeed. Ethan must have enticed them here with promises of power, or blood, or something. I assume he intends to drain their power and take it for himself. If he had the strength of all these vampires, he'd be virtually invincible.
Buffy: So where do we find them? Can't you ask your friends with the extra ears?
Giles: Willy
Xander: Willy's got extra ears? I only ever saw two.
Giles: No, Willy told me where Ethan was.
Oz: That was a set-up
Giles: Which means he's working for Ethan. We go the Willy's and we'll find Ethan.
Angel: How do you he won't just lie again.
Xander: I'm sure I can persuade him.
Giles: Let's not be too rash. Willy's place has always been a favorite haunt of vampires, and if Ethan's involved there may be too many for even you to deal with. You may have strength of three superhumans, but you need training to control it. If you just rush in, again, you could get killed.
Xander: Well okay then, let's do some practice. Guys?
Cut to overhead shot of Xander in the centre of Giles, Angel and Oz, all dressed in heavy padding, carrying weapons.
Giles (carrying baseball bat): Now, I'll lead off, and if Xander feels up to it, you two join in. Engarde
He charges Xander, who disarms him, throws him to one side and gives Giles his baseball bat back while he's still flying away, all in one smooth movement.. The other two rush in, and are decked with equal ease. They pick themselves up and charge back in
Cut to a few minutes later. Oz is seen flying across the floor, Angel slumped on the floor against the desk. Giles then aims a hefty swing at the back of Xander's head. He spins around and punches the bat in two, and decks Giles with the backstroke The three of them lie on the floor, sweating and breathing heavily, with their padding all awry. Xander is vamped out, but otherwise not fazed at all.
Giles: Um, yes. Let's go to Willy's then.
Angel: I hear it's going to be nice.
Oz: I'll drive.
Willow: Are you sure're up to it?
Oz: Well I can't walk, so I kinda have to.
Cut to interior of Willy's new bar. It's much bigger than his old place. We are looking at Willy looking very harassed. We can see Ethan reflected in the bar mirror over Willy's shoulder. The rest of the bar is empty. The sound fades in. The place sounds like it's busy. The camera pans round to where Ethan is standing at the bar, which we can now see is absolutely packed full of vampires, but all in their human face.
Cut to outside side of Willy's bar Oz, Angel and Giles manhandle Xander, wrapped in a heavy blanket, into a small window in the wall.
Cut to men's toilet in Willy's. The gang cover the windows up and unwrap their secret weapon.
Willow (pointing to bowls on wall): What are these f..oh...eeesh
Xander checks out all the stakes he has strapped to himself. He's wearing unusually cool clothes. We are following that law of narrative that stylish yet industrial strength arse kicking is done in a black leather trenchcoat. He's looking very Matrix
Oz: You set?
Xander: Staked and stoked. Let's get it on..
Cut to main room of Willy's bar. Men's room door opens in slow motion and Xander steps in.
Music cuts in as soon as door opens: Moby's Ah Ah from his eponymous debut album.
He walks through the crowd of vampires in his human face. A couple of very large vampires block his way, and vamp out. Xander vamps out too, and growls. The big guys smile, nod, back down, and go sit beside some even bigger vamps. Xander makes his way to the bar, where he throws Ethan's pile of cash on the bar. Back to normal speed, music stops.
Willy: What's that for?
Xander: The storm damage
Willy: What storm?
Xander: Hurricane Xander.
Xander picks up the chair in front of him, rips two of the legs off and stakes the two vamps either side of him in one fluid movement. The rest of vampires stop what they're doing and start to turn towards Xander.
Ethan sees this and jumps onto the bar. I'd recommend "All I Need is to be Loved" By Moby, the mix from "Everything is Wrong" starts up as soon as he does
Ethan: Kill this one here, or you'll never walk in sunlight. Now!
The room vamps out, starting from the ones around Xander, and heading back in a wave. At this point, Xander vamps out as the really hardcore bit from the Moby track kicks in.
The maddest, and biggest fight in TV history kicks off. Take every movie barfight you're even seen and put the good bits into this one. Xander is The Man here. He's Jake the Mus from Once Were Warriors, Joe from My Name is Joe, Arnie's T-800 from T2, Tom Cody from Streets of Fire, Little Bill and William Munny from Unforgiven. He's a main course of Roy Shaw and Charles Bronson with a side order of Chopper Reid and some Lenny McLean for dessert. When Satan himself wakes up screaming it's because the thought of facing Xander has grabbed his heart like a cold obsidian claw. Xander is beating the shit out of everything that moves, staking at a tremendous rate, and flinging vamps to the left and right so much that even the centre gets jealous. His fighting style is a mixture of effortless trick shots (staking vamps without looking, throwing stakes on the rebound off walls etc.) and spectacularly brutal displays of strength (setting vamps head up against bar, and kicking it clean off, picking up entire tables and using the legs as stakes etc). Dust, blood and furniture is flying all over the place.
Cut to the toilet, inside. We see the gang with their faces pressed up against the glass at the top of the door.
Angel: He's doing well.
Oz: The Force is strong with this one.
Giles: Oh Lord, It's the Van Horst family.
Buffy: Which ones are they?
Giles: The walking brick privy collection in the corner. A Clan from South Africa, they fight rhinoceros bare-handed, then drink them to celebrate.
Cut to main bar again. The aforementioned very big vampires stand up and run into the fray. Xander takes a few really hard blows from them, but they can't get to him en masse because of the smaller guys in front, and they are sent flying back to their booth one by one. Xander carries on staking. Ethan Rayne and Willy disappear out back. Ethan has left behind the Egyptian necklace. The Van Horst family are soon the only ones left standing, and now they rush him en masse.
Cut to toilets
Willow: Look out Xander!
Angel: Man, they got him pinned.
Buffy: Look out Xander! Wait..
Oz: Look out us!
The gang jump back from the door just in time to avoid the biggest Van Horst come flying through the door, shattering it, not even hitting the ground until he hits the far wall, where he shatters half the bowls on the wall, and lies stunned on the floor. He's brought a big trail of dust with him, that settles on the floor. Willow has a nasty cut arm from some of the flying wood.
The mad thrash music stops.
The gang crane their head round to the bar. Dust is spilling into the toilet floor. There's such much dust in the air we can't even see halfway through the bar. What we can see is post-apocalyptic carnage a go-go. Cue highly cool music. I call Death Threat, by Death in Vegas
Xander strides confidently out of the murk in slow motion. He's absolutely covered in dust and blood. His hair's all over the place, and he has a big mean looking closed-up eye, but he's not bothered by it. His clothes are torn halfway to ribbons. His knuckles are cut up, but that's nothing compared the state of his stakes. They're splintered and hanging in shreds. He drops both stakes, we follow their progress tumbling to the floor.
Cut to closeup of stakes falling, taken with one of those cameras that film bullets leaving guns etc. Stakes hit ground in extreme slow motion raising elegant trails of dust
Cut back to Xander walking past the thoroughly gobsmacked Scooby Gang, Willow holding her arm distractedly. He's trailing the clouds of dust with him, leaving footprints, and a steady stream of ex-vamp pours out of his jacket. He picks up a big chunk of door, and rips it casually in two to make a stake. The remaining Van Horst vamp mountain starts to stir.
Cut to view from Van Horst's eyes. Xander stalk towards him, picks it him up by the throat with one hand, in the classic Darth Vader feet-dangling mode, slams it with vicious force into the tiles, stakes him and drop him. Camera POV falls to earth, bounces once and fades to black as dust obscures the shot.
Cut to toilet in normal speed/camera POV
Xander morphs back to human face
Xander: How was that?
Angel: Not bad
Buffy: For a beginner
Giles: A bit of training and we might make a slayer from you yet. He he.
Oz: I guess that's the end of the army.
They walk into the carnage. The dust is settling now
Giles: We lost Ethan, I'm afraid.
Buffy: So that's it? Xander's the Ultimate Fighting Champion, and we're normal?
Giles: Well, I have no way of knowing how long the effect will last, but what really worries me is Ethan. He still has the staff. He only needs to get Xander now, and he'll be worse than anyone we've faced.
Angel: Even me.
Willow picks up the necklace: What's this?
Oz: Ethan was wearing it in the warehouse
Giles: I don't know. It's Egyptian, but apart from that... We'd better head back to the library and find out. Xander, if you want to get wrapped up?
Cut to inside of Oz's van. Xander and Willow are getting cleaned up by Giles. Angel and Buffy sit in the front with Oz.
Oz: So, human again?
Angel: It's an experience. I haven't really had time to take it all in yet..
Buffy: Your hands feel different.
Angel: How?
Buffy: They're warm.
Angel: Everything's different. Smells, the light, being hungry.
Oz: Vampires don't get hungry?
Angel: No we do, but it feels nothing like human hunger. It's more like needing to breathe.
Buffy: Which is another novelty.
In the back, Xander is finished getting patched up.
Xander: Man I'm starved, whatta we got here, potato chips
Xander opens the bag and starts stuffing his face.
Xander: Taste kinda bland
Angel sniffs the air and smiles.
Angel: What is that smell? (turns round) Xander, don't!
Xander stops eating suddenly, and starts to retch.
Xander: I gotta barf. Excuse me (reaches for door handle)
Giles slams his hand on the door
Giles: The sun hasn't set!
Oz: Hold on a second, man, we got an underpass just up here.
Cut to exterior of van, shaded by underpass. Xander is vomming like the best of them.
Angel: Okay I'm feeling less hungry now.
Buffy: Dinner!
Angel: Excuse me?
Buffy: We should have dinner at my house. All of us. Come on it'll be perfect. Your first meal for two hundred and twenty years might as well be a good one. I'll call Mom, and we can have a proper civilized dinner party. She's totally jonesing to throw out some hospitality.
Oz: Not to seem ungrateful, but the precedents....
Buffy: Oh Okay I'll just sweep through the house and throw out anything scary looking, and if any undead crashers do turn up, well, we just sit back and watch Xander kick their asses.
Giles: Well I'm afraid you'll have to count me out, I have to research more about this necklace. And I couldn't possibly impose on your Mother at such short....
Buffy: Oh come on Giles, we've just taken on an army and won. We've got the necklace. We can find out what it does later. We can relax. And Ethan can't steal Xander's powers if he's at mine having fun.
Willow: I can cast a spell so we get really funky candle flames. And everlasting ones, for that matter.
Buffy: Cool. See, everyone's on board with this. Look I know why you and Mom have this whole "awkward" issue.
Giles: You do? How long have...
Buffy: Giles, you almost got her killed by a completely postal vampire. You two just need to hammer that out over some fine foodstuffs, she'll forgive you, and then you'll be able to drop this whole Cold War thing, right? That is it, right?
Giles: Yes, yes, once we've cleared that up we'll have absolutely no reason at all to be awkward, and that's God's honest truth.
Buffy: See? So we're on. Xander, are you finished barfing?
Xander: Yep, I'm empty. Still hungry though.
Angel (walking around in the sun outside the underpass) : I got some pig's blood at mine.
Oz: Liking the sun, huh?
Angel: I love it, there's so many things I can do now. Hey let's get some holy water and I'll drink it. Or I know, I'll walk into someone's house uninvited. Hey has anyone got a cross?
Angel walks up to Buffy and puts his hand around her cross necklace. In doing so, his hand touches her chest. They share a look as they realize the shag-related issues surrounding Angel's humanity. The dirty bastards.
Buffy: I tell you what, Angel and I'll got to his place and phone Mom from there.
Angel: Yeah, good plan
Giles: Or you could use the phone over there
Cut to shot with phone box in foreground. The underpass is only about fifteen feet away in the background.
Buffy: Um, no these public phones are always broken, and, um very unsanitary. Do you think everyone who uses them has washed their hands? I don't think so. No, Angel's phone is very clean and it works perfectly. Let's go honey.
Xander: What about my blood?
Angel: No! Uh I just remembered that, uh I forgot, to remember that I drunk it all last night.
Oz: Um, Buffy? you might wanna look in the glove compartment , Angel being human and all.
Cut to shot from inside glove box. Buffy reaches in and takes out box of condoms. Face lights up a la Christmas.
Cut back to gang.
Willow (looking worried): Oz?
Oz: They're Devon's
Willow: Oh, okay
Looks worried again
Buffy ( hiding box from Giles): Well, Angel and I will be going now.
Oz: You want a lift?
Angel: No, we'll just get a cab.
Looks up and down road. No cabs there.
Buffy: We'll phone for one.
Angel: Okay
They walk towards the phone quickly. Willow and Oz are smiling indulgently. They look at the thunderlike faces of Xander and Giles, and quickly try to return to deadpan.
Cut to inside of van in motion again. Giles is changing Willow's dressing, and hands the bloodstained bandages to Xander. Xander, unseen by the rest of them, starts to nibble on the bandage, then tucks in more. (Should that be sucks in?) Anyway:
Xander: Man, Willow, your blood tastes really...
(Suitably horrified expression from Willow)
Xander: Bad, horrible, foul. In fact Oz, stop the van: I'm going to vomit again.
Giles (snatching the bandage back): Xander, behave.
Xander: Okay, sorry, won't happen again. But gimme a break, I'm starving.
Willow back up into the corner away from Xander. Giles stays where he is, but turns up the collar of his tweed jacket.
Oz: Heads up, butcher. (stops the van)
Willow: I'll go get it.
Giles: I'll pay.
Giles and Willow leave sharply
Xander: Oz man, I would never
Oz: I know
Xander: It's just the blood smell, you have no idea
Oz: Actually I do.
Xander: It's like a little voice in your head (looks at Oz's neck for a moment)
Oz: Just saying: Do it.
Xander: Totally. How can you stand it? (long look at Oz's neck, then break off)
Oz: It's easier away from the full moon. But you get used to it. You just have to focus.
Xander: Focus (now staring fixedly at Oz's neck)
Oz: Keep telling yourself it isn't blood.
Xander: Not blood. Right
Cut to extreme closeup of Oz's neck
Door of van opens. Xander snaps out of it.
Willow: Lunch is up.
Giles: It's a mixture of pig, lamb and cow with a twist of chicken.
Xander grabs the jar and swigs
Xander: Man that hits the spot. How'd you know the recipe?
Giles: I didn't. The butcher recommended it
Cut to Angel's mansion. Angel and Buffy are finishing getting dressed. Their hair is, unsurprisingly, a mess.
Buffy: I gotta fix this. Mom will totally wig if we show up like this.
Angel: She'll just think you had a rough day. You have, look at your hand.
Buffy: Angel this isn't Rough Day Hair, this is Marathon Sex Hair. She's not stupid, and much as it disgusts me to think of it, she'll able to tell when two people have had sex. I can. Don't you have any mirrors at all?
Angel: Here.
He walks her to that big white screen with the light opposite it, in the corner of the room. They then fix their hair using their shadows.
Cut to their shadows. Buffy's shadow looks up at Angel
Buffy: I always wondered what that was for.
They carry on fixing their hair.
Angel: Marathon, huh?
Cut to Faith's motel A young man is putting on his clothes. Faith sits in bed, looking upset.
Faith: You don't have to bail so soon. Stay a while.
Guy: I told you, I gotta get to work.
Faith: Please? I just don't wanna be alone y'know?
Guy (sneering): Hey whatever. I'll call you. Bye. (buggers off)
Faith sits hugging herself, and starts crying
Cut to Buffy's house. Night-time. The table is set with the company plates and cutlery, very similar to Dead Man's party, except for the zombies.
The gang walk in chatting, dressed for a gathering. Xander is at the back. He can't get past the door. The others don't notice, and Xander is left on his tod.
Xander: Uh? Guys? Hello?
Buffy's voice is heard through the hallway:
Buffy:Sorry Xander. You can come in.
Xander: Thank you (walks in)
Cut to hall. Angel and Xander walk past a mirror, and both do a double take. They start waving their hands around in synch, then see that they're acting the same and stop quickly.
Cut to Gang at dinner Close up on candle flame. It's a little guy doing the YMCA dance. Other flames are suitably magical. Joyce, Oz and Willow come in, bearing steaks.
Joyce: Now let me see: Rupert is the medium rare. Buffy and Willow are the medium. Daniel, you're the blue. Angel and I are the well done, and Xander is the, well, warm. I didn't have a meat thermometer that goes down to 98, so I had to guess.
Xander: I'm sure it's delicious. (looks at it). Oooh nice and bloody
Joyce: I poured a little extra on.
Xander: Dee-lish
Cut to later, the Gang are in the middle of eating their steaks. Xander is arseing around, vamping in and out.
Xander: And I got this growl thing going on. (Vamps and growls)
The Gang all laugh, but Willow, sitting next to Xander, discreetly moves her place setting about half an inch away.
Joyce: And you're both the slayers too?
Xander: Yessiree, scourge of the underworld, that's me.
Buffy: I just wish you'd told me before I busted my hand on your face.
Joyce: You mustn't feel bad about that Xander.
Xander(unconcerned): Okay
Cut to later, the main course is done and the puddings just about finished.
Buffy: And then every time I turned round, like even for a second, they were at it again. It was so embarassing.
Cut to Joyce and Giles sitting stock still with fixed grins.
Joyce: More cake anyone? Angel?
Angel: Thanks Mrs Summer, but I'm stuffed. That was the best food I've had in 223 years.
Joyce: Oh please.
Angel: No I'm serious.
Buffy: Before you get too big-headed, Mom, it's also the only food he's had.
Oz: Well I second Angel's vote. That was some quality chow.
Giles: Yes, you do put on an excellent spread.
Joyce and Giles nearly have a coronary, in the background we hear Xander, Willow and Buffy thank Joyce for the food.
Joyce: I'll go get some coffee.
Oz: Hey, I'm real sorry, but I gotta bail. We got a gig at the Bronze.
Joyce: Are you sure you don't have time?
Oz: Well it takes a while to set up the amps. To hide the fact we suck.
Joyce: Nonsense. I'm sure the rest of the band can manage. I'll make an expresso.
Oz: No can do.
Giles: I had best be going too. I still have..
Joyce: Your books, of course. You go. Now, those coffees!
Sharp exits from Giles and Joyce
Cut to the Bronze. Dingos Ate my Baby are playing, the crowd is jumping, and the gang are on the dance floor. Camera pans round to Cordelia and the Cordettes
Cordy: Have you seen how much weight she's put on? And she doesn't even have the courtesy to hide it. She should be forced, by law, to wear something floral in size whale. Oh God, here she waddles.
Girl approaches on way to bar. She's hardly huge, but chunkier than Cordy et al.
Vanessa: Hi Cordelia!
Cordy: Hey Vanessa, love the new look, very curvy.
Vanessa: Thanks. I thought maybe I was getting too big
Cordy: No way, the boys love that latino booty thing. I wish I wasn't so skinny
Vannesa: You're so sweet.(leaves)
Cordy( to Cordettes): Can you count my faces?
Cut to later. Cordy is seen dancing with two college guys. Xander is staring at them, looking a bit suspicious.
Cut to outside Bronze. Cordy and the two guys are walking down an alley.
Cordy: I have so had it with school boys. I had this phase where I thought college guys were, well evil. But now I realise what I've been missing. Is your car nearby? Only these heels are killing me. You really have to suffer to look this good. No-one ever gets that.
They stop and stand over her.
College guy 1: We understand pain pretty well.
College guy 2: And soon, so will you.
They vamp out.
Cordy: Hey, you back off. I'm close personal friends with both the slayers. And you know Angel? Well so do I, and in fact he's kind of got the hots for me only he won't admit it and, there he is!
Vamps look round, but there's nothing there. They turn round while Cordy grabs a blunt piece of wood
College Guy 1: That'll never work.
Cut to Xander, backlit, with smoke around him etc.
Xander: Why don't you try mine?
Xander has a stake on his leg in the Western gunslinger style. He hooks his black jacket around it, in the time honoured Clinty fashion. The Death Threat music from the end of the bar fight starts again We go back to slow motion, and Xander stalks towards the vampires, looking rather predatory. And, of course, cool as mince.
Music and slow motion stop abruptly
Cordy: Xander what are you doing? Go back and get Buffy, you moron.
Xander: Hey! I'm being cool here.
The two college vamps jump at him. He of course leathers the pair of them in suitably energetic style. The first one get him in a headlock, but Xander shoves a holy water bottle into his mouth, which makes him break off. At this point, Xander kicks him in the teeth so hard he flies halfway down the alley. His head goes on fire and he dusts in mid air. Meanwhile, Xander has gubbed the other one near enough into orbit. Xander spins round, casually tosses his stake over his shoulder, and the vamp lands on it, and dusts.
Xander: And I'm done
Cordy: When did you get born-again hard?
Xander: Long story. Walk you home?
Cordy: In these shoes? I think not.
Xander: Not a problem.
Picks her up and walks off. Cordy looks back at the patches of ex-vamp.
Cordy: That is it. I'm never going to date college boys again. Ever.
Xander: Cordy, you'll BE in college next year.
Cordy: Well I'll just have to pull a Mrs Robinson. How come you're pulling a Mr. T?
Xander: You remember that Ethan Rayne guy?...
Cut to Willy's bar. The camera pans over several bins filled to the brim with dust. Willy is sweeping the last of the dust up. A couple of vampires and other beasties are in drinking. The Mayor and Mr. Trick enter with a cadre of vamps.
Willy: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Trick! What brings you here?
Mayor: Well, I heard about the incident here today, and I felt it was my duty, as Mayor, to come round, and well, see that you're in one piece. You know, small businesses like yours are the key to maintaining a sense of community, these big national chains are so souless, not that I'm one to talk. Now, where was I? Oh, yes: the whereabouts of Ethan Rayne.
Willy: I don't know, he just took off after that kid wrecked the place.
Mr. Trick: The Mayor is very keen to trace him too.
Willy: Why? He got all your vamps killed, right, and Ethan set that up, so that's okay, right?
Mayor: Well William, that's the funny thing. Mr. Rayne never mentioned anything about this virile young man. The original plan had these unfortunates (stirs one of the dustbins) in Mr. Rayne's warehouse waiting to be made invulnerable, he'd let in the sun, and I'd have no more worries about who was loyal to me.(cleans dust off his hands with bar cloth)
Mr. Trick: The honourable Mayor is very concerned about loyalty.
Willy: I really don't know anything
Mr. Trick grabs Willy and vamps out
Mayor: I remind you that your liquor licence here has not been approved yet.
Willy: Okay, he double-crossed you. I didn't know until it was too late I swear. He has this staff, it kinda sucks the power outta people. He was gonna take all the vamps in here.but he said that the kid got hold the staff, and got the slayers and Angel, and then he turns up and wrecks my bar.
Mayor: And where did Mr. Rayne go, after this little fracas?
Willy: Okay, I heard a whisper that somebody found that hoodoo circle painted on the ground in one of the sewers.
Mr. Trick: Where?
Willy: You wanna help me out here Mickey?
Cut to one of booths. It's empty, but there's a shadow of some horned creature on the wall. The shadow turns its head.
Mickey's Shadow (Irish accent): The one that runs under the shopping centre.
Willy: Thanks, Mickey, your next beer's on me.
Mickey: Cheers
A bottle on Mickey's table is lifted up in salute.
Cut to Cordy's front door. Xander carries Cordy up to her door. He puts her down and she walks in. She carries on holding onto his newly manly bicep, smiling. She then opens the door and goes inside
Cordy: Aren't you coming in?
Xander: I uh...
Cordy: Don't worry, my parents are in LA.
Xander: I can't...you have to
Cordy: Look, I almost get eaten, you jump in like Superman, only well dressed, save my life and carry me home without even breaking sweat, and now you're just standing there like a big pile of stupid?
Xander: What's your point?
Cordy: I think you're sexy again! I'm sure I'm just vulnerable and confused cos of the near-death and stuff. It's bound to wear off soon.
Xander: So what do you want me to do?
Cordy: Duh? Come in before it does!
She pulls him inside and near enough jumps down his throat. Cue the silly "Cordy and Xander Snogging" music. They fall inside, Xander on top. More kissing. After a while, Cordy breaks off.
Xander: What is is?
Cordy: God! Don't you need to breathe? Come on, get up.
They stand up, Cordy fixes her hair in a large mirror hanging on the wall. She finishes her hair, and when she's done, she notices that Xander isn't in the mirror.
Cordy: Xander, where'd you..(spins round and is surprised by Xander being right behind her) Argh! Hey, you're a vampire.
Xander: No I'm not
Cordy switches her hairbrush round, and flick a switch in it. A short panel on the handle rotates through ninety degrees, so the handle forms a cross. Xander vamps and knocks the brush out her hands. Cordy freaks and runs down the corridor. Xander runs past Cordy with ridiculous speed and blocks her way, holding her arms. He unvamps.
Xander: Okay, I am a vampire. But I'm a good vampire.
Cordy: Like Angel?
Xander vamps and growls
Cordy: Okay not like him in any way. Except you're good? (Xander nods) Can you unyuck your face please?
Xander does so
Cordy: How come you're...
Xander: Angel was in the circle too. I've never been bitten, so I just got the vampire superstrength. I'm still me, really.
Cordy: You didn't have to lie to me, silly.
Xander: Why not?
Cordy: I used to dig you when you were a loser, a geek and a wuss. Slayer Vampire is way more classy. Way stronger too. My hand hurts.
Xander: You'll be fine.
Cordy: Your concern is touching. Where did you get that jacket?...
Cordy puts her hands round Xander inside the jacket and they kiss. She takes his jacket off
Cut to Cordy's bed. Cordy is thown onto the bed, laughing, and Xander follows. She takes her jumper off. She has a small bra top thing underneath. Xander is sans top. They embrace and start kissing passionately.
Cordy: Stop, stop.
Xander: What, you need to breathe again?
Cordy: No, you're freezing. It's like smooching a corpse.
Xander: Cordy, I am a corpse. A little more lively than your average coffin content, but..
Cordy: Wait, I got it.
Cut to Cordy's bathroom. Candles surround the enormous bathtub, which is full of bubbles, and a reheated Xander.
Xander(calling to out of room) : I think I'm pretty warm now. I'm getting out.
Cordy enters, wrapped in a towel.
Cordy: I'd like it if you stayed.
Cut to Xander. Cordy's towel flies into shot, covering Xander's face
He puts the towel down.
Xander: I think I would too.
Cut to Library. Giles is looking through his books. We see the book he is reading has a picture of the Egyptian necklace. Another sitting open has the staff Ethan used.
Giles: Oh Lord! Xander!
He runs to the phone in the office.
Cut to Bronze. The Dingos have finished their set, and a slow number is playing. Oz and Willow, and Buffy and Angel are dancing. Buffy's buzzer goes off.
Buffy: We gotta get to the library, stat
Cut back to Cordy's place. Xander and Cordelia doing some highly naughty touching in the bath. Xander is kissing Cordelia's face, working his way round to her ears. He looks down at her hot wet neck, and vamps out, and starts kissing her neck, before jerking away and unvamping. Cordy notices him pulling back, but not the vamping. Xander give a reassuring smile, and they carry on. Xander kisses her again, and she shuts her eyes. Xander looks worried. He keeps on caressing Cordelia, of course. He's not that stupid.
Cut to Library. The gang come in, minus Cordy and Xander
Buffy: Okay, what gives?
Giles: The necklace. It's the Shield of Horus
Buffy: Shield of Whores?
Angel: Horus, an Egyptian god with the power to bring life after death
Giles: And brother to Osiris, the god of the dead. The shield prevents demons from infecting whoever wears the necklace. The bearer of the shield is completely immune to possesion of any kind. Ethan was wearing it at the warehouse.
Buffy: And you dragged us away from the Bronze just to tell us that? We were having a good time.
She and Angel make lovey dovey eyes at each other.
Giles: There are more important things here than you two, erm snogging!
Cut to Cordy's bedroom. Camera pans over trail of wet footprints, and two wet towels on the floor at the foot of the bed. Xander and Cordy are now in bed.
Cue music, a remix of Air's "Talisman", from the Moon Safari album. Needs to made more scary at the end.
Cut to Library
Oz: Ethan
Buffy: What about Ethan? He's gone. We party. Oh wait we were.
Giles: Don't you see? Ethan was wearing the shield when he tried to take Angel's powers.
Buffy: So?
Oz: Xander.
Willow: What about Xander?
Cut to Cordy's bed. The pair are making love passionately. Xander again is drawn to Cordelia's neck, and vamps. He hesitates, as though wrestling internally with the psychological repercussions, before unvamping.
Cut to Library
Angel: Ethan must have wearing the shield for a reason. The staff transfers the demon too?
Giles: Yes, I tracked it down too. (takes the book). The staff was used by Inca shamens to drain the powers of paranormal beings. Anything unnatural, anything not found in a normal human, is transferred to the bearer of the staff.
Oz: Not if you're wearing the shield.
Giles: Well, I assume the powers are conveyed, but not the possesion. That must be what Ethan was counting on. He was planning to take the power of every one of those vampires, and of yourselves, but remain in control. Remain, himself, I suppose.
Buffy: I don't get it. How come Xander isn't running around killing people?
Cut to Xander and Cordy. He is again vamped out and hovering over her neck, this time getting closer, and baring his fangs, before drawing back. Cordelia doesn't notice. Xander's a slayer powered studmuffin now, and she's got better things to think about
Cut to Library
Angel: It's my demon.
Giles: Sorry?
Angel: The demon's been in me for over two centuries. It's used to the way I think. If it suddenly found itself in Xander's mind...
Oz: Confusing place to be.
Giles: How long till it adapts?
Angel: I have no idea.
Giles: We need to find him immediately.
Willow: But Xander still has his soul, right? He would never hurt anyone.
Angel: You don't know what it's like. The demon never rests, if you let your guard down for a second it can find a way in.
Cut to Cordy and Xander. As they reach their climax, Xander is vamped out permanently, unseen by Cordy. He stays off until the moment of orgasm, then gives in and and bites Cordelia. She writhes around, overcome by the sexual release of the feed.. When Xander breaks off from Cordy, he reaches out for a pair of nail scissors on the night table, slits his tongue open, and they french kiss deeply. Cordelia vamps out.
Cut to Cordy's front door. Xander and Cordelia stand on the step, surveying the world. Their hair and clothes are suitably vamplike. I'd recommend an extremely tight black leather catsuit/trousers for Cordelia, but then I would, wouldn't I? This is why we have things called "Restraining Orders"
Xander: It's a great house you got here, Cordelia. What are the neighbours like?
Cordelia:I'm sure you'll love them
They vamp out and head towards the next house.
Cut to the Bronze. The Gang are spread out, working through the crowd .The camera sweeps round and we overhear scraps of the Gang talking to various people, trying to find Xander and Cordelia.
The camera rests on Buffy and Vanessa.
Vanessa: Yeah she was here, but I think she left early
The camera sweeps over to Oz, Willow and Devon. Larry is approaching.
Devon: Wait, yeah, she left during our set. Didn't you see?
Oz: I wasn't looking at her.
Willow smiles and hugs Oz
Devon: Xander left right after, same time as the two college guys.
Larry: Xander with TWO college guys? Way to go dude...
Camera draws back as Larry walks off, leaving Oz and Willow looking baffled. They go and find Giles, and talk to him.
Cut to outside Cordy's house. The gang are sitting in the van. An ambulance and police car are sitting outside the neighbours house. Giles is talking to some of the paramedics, as two bodies are brought out under bloodstained sheets.
Giles walks up the the window of the van.
Giles: I'm afraid we're too late.
Buffy: Xander's turned?
Giles: It gets worse. The bodies were found inside the house, they must have been invited in. Cordelia is a vampire too.
Cut to Xander and Cordelia walking down the street
Cordy: I'm still hungry.
Xander: So we find something to eat. What've we got? Mexican? Thai? Italian?
While Xander is saying this, camera cuts between a Mexican, a Thai and an Italian, all rather sizeable gentlemen.
Cordy: I don't wanna pig out. These pants don't hide a thing.
Xander: You got that right.
Cut to entirely gratuitous shot of Ms Chase's tight round leather-bound bum as she slinks down the street with her sleek feline hips and her... Oh somebody shoot me before I spread like a virus and make others like me.
Xander: I got an idea
Cut to Cordy walking down an alleyway with a skinny pale young man, wearing a T-shirt with "VEGAN FOR LIFE" written on it.
Vegan: Being a vegan is such a big part of my life. I'm so glad you agree with me. I don't understand how people could just take a harmless animal, and kill it for pleasure. I mean don't the animals have a say in their own right to live?
Cordy rolls her eyes at this, then returns to a sincere face
Cordy: I totally agree. I could never eat anything that couldn't beg me not to.
Vegan spins round at this, and looks confused. Xander sneaks up behind him.
Vegan: What did you say?
Xander and Cordy vamp and bite the guy, Cordy from the front, Xander in back. They fondle each other around the poor guy, so he's the jam in their diabolical sandwich. They finish feeding
Cordy: Light and refreshing.
Xander(affecting english accent): Diet Bloke.
They drop the vegan, and embrace. Camera draws up to overhead shot as they start kissing, the guy falling dead on the pavement. Camera draws up to rooftops.Five of Mr. Trick's vampires are watching them, three carrying crossbows.
Lackey: That him?
Cadre Leader: Yes. We dust them now, and then we go meet the others at Rayne's hideout.
They fire their crossbows. Xander spins around and catches a bolt in either hand, just in front of his heart. The remaining bolt heads straight for Cordy's heart, but she dodges, and it pins her shoulder. Xander coils up like a spring and throws the bolts, staking two vampires. Cordelia merely looks bored and irritated, and in a businesslike fashion breaks off the back of the arrow, reaches round and pulls the front through her shoulder, hardly flinching. She puts her finger through the hole in her jacket, and growls. She and Xander make for a fire ladder on the alleyway.
Cut to vamps on roof.
Cue music: Chorus of Dies Irae from Verdi's Requiem Mass. The Herbert Von Karajan recording.
The top of the fire ladder is jerking around like mad.
Leader: Run!
They turn and leg it, as we hear sounds of someone coming up the ladder at a horrendous rate.
Cut to shot of vamps running towards us. In the background we see Xander fly overhead out of shot.
Cut to vampires stopping short, as Xander lands and stands up in front of them. Music ends.
Cadre Leader (trying to not look scared bloodless): Okay, here's the deal. Answer one question and we let you live. Where's Ethan Rayne?
Xander ( about as convinced by this as you'd expect): Beats me.
Cordy by this point has reached the roof and grabbed the Leader.
Cordlia: I thought that was my job.
Xander: Only when I've been good.
The other two vamps advance. Xander picks them both up by the thoat and throws them down with evil force on the edge of the roof, breaking their backs. They lie hanging half over the edge. Xander flips their legs up, and watches with satisfaction as they fall to the alley and land in a mangled heap, with further sickly cracking sounds
Xander(looking down at vamps in alley and laughing): They're trying to walk. It's a funny.
Cordelia: Sweetheart, can I play with this nice young man?
Xander: Sure. I'll watch your back.
He slaps Cordy's leather clad arse. Jammy bastard. Okay, point of order: I hate Xander in this script. He gets to be outrageously hard, looks so cool that it's just in pisstake territory, and he gets his manky undeserving hands all over Cordelia. The cunt. BTW:
Cordy gives the vampire a good hiding. She's nothing like as tough as Xander, but still nails, and seriously vicious with it. Cordelia picks on the vamps up by his throat and shoves him up agains the wall.
Xander: Now why would you think I know where Ethan Rayne is?
Cadre Leader: I'm not telling you a damn thing.
Cordy wraps her hand up in her jacket, and takes out her hairbrush. She flicks it to cross mode and shoves it against the vampire's body under his shirt. Screen fades out as we hear the vamp screaming.
Fade in to Ethan's sewer hideout. There are several large concrete pillars propping up the ceiling. A vamp flies against one sideways, breaking his back. We see a few vamps lie twitching on the ground near other pillars, also having had their backs broken by Xander. The last of the vamps tries to run, but Xander nips round in front of him, picks him up with one hand round the small of his back, and the other over his neck. He then snaps the vamp in two like his spine is a single thread of uncooked linguine(Xander has a lot of class).
Meanwhile Cordelia is kicking fuck out of two others. Soon they are both on the ground. While they are getting back up, she picks up a nearby sledgehammer, and breaks the shit out of one the vamps arm, taking out a good few ribs too, and the vamp decks it again. She takes the other one clean in the small of the back, big cracking sound, and it flies over to the ones Xander has done already. The vamps scrabble around the floor like a display of synchronised swimmers, only they're cripples on land instead.
Xander: Okay, if any one wants to live, just get up and I'll let you walk out.
Xander laughs as the vamps try to pull themselves up on pillars, but fall over when trying to walk.
He then wanders about casually staking them with a broken broomhandle.
Cordelia has grabbed the broken-arm vamp by his good arm, immobilising it, and starts to twist the skin on his face with her fingernails, laughing at him as he tries to use his ruined arm to fend her off.
Xander finishes the last of the vamps
Xander: We gotta go for that staff, Cordy.
Cordelia: Awww, you never let me have any fun.
Xander smiles and hands her the broomhandle. She laughs and kisses her vamp while staking it.
Xander: Hey!
Cordelia: Jealous?
Cut to patch of dust in front of Cordy
Xander: Not any more. Ethan?
Cordelia: Ran down there. (points to exit from chamber, where some footprints are visible)
Cut to exterior of Sunnydale Mall. We see Ethan climb out a manhole in the car park, get into some fast as fuck British sports car and drive out of the mall carpark at breakneck speed. He breaks through the barrier and weaves through traffic.
Xander jumps out of the sewer manhole in the car park and lands legs astride the manhole. He reaches down and pulls Cordy up.
They see Ethan's car go flying off through the street.
Cordelia: Damn it, we missed him
Xander: Not yet. Back soon.
Xander runs straight towards Ethan's car, which takes him onto the roofs of the parked cars. He's soon going so fast he only steps on each one once. When he hits the street, he carries on jumping from car to car, only they're all moving. He starts off in the slow lane, but gets enough momentum to reach the fast lane quite soon.
Cut to Ethan looking in his mirror, then relaxing. He then tenses again, and looks behind him, then swears.
Ethan's car ducks in front of a truck when Xander gets near him, so Xander jumps onto the truck, catching himself on the top of the rail on the back door to stop him flying into orbit from the strength of his jump. He runs along it and jumps forward into the back window of Ethan's car, shattering it. He then grabs the top edge of the window, and rips the roof off. He's wearing big bitching leather gloves, so his hands are okay. He might be double slayer powered but his skin isn't quite as hard as glass.
Xander: You really should buckle up
Xander walks onto the back seat, and grabs him by the shoulder, yanking him into the back too. Xander sit down sharpish into the back seat and buckles up in double quick time. The car veers off into a furniture shop window, spraying Ethan with glass and debris. Xander catches all the major stuff that comes near his face with one hand moving in a blur. He uses the other to stop Ethan flying out the car, but Ethan still gets knocked around. The car crashes to a halt in the midst of broken sofas and chairs.
Xander turns round to Ethan's bloodied face. Ethan looks like he's lost a fight with a wheat shredder, but Xander only has a scratch or two from the glass he couldn't block.
Xander: See? I told you so.
Cut to Library. The Gang are there, looking devastated.
Willow: What're we gonna do? Giles?
Giles: I don't know
Willow: But you must have a plan or something
Giles: I don't
Willow: Well you must know a ritual or.
Giles: Not without the staff.
Willow: But you always know wh..
Giles( stands up and shouts): For God's sake stop it! I don't know what to do!
Willow goes to pieces, crying. Oz tries to comfort her.
Giles: I'm sorry Willow, but we have nothing.
Buffy: But we got the necklace. The Shield.
Giles: It's no use. It only prevents a demon from entering. Once it's in, there is nothing we can do. Without Ethan, we have no access to the staff, or the incantations we need.
Oz: But he's still gonna try steal Xander's strength. He'll be around somewhere.
Giles:No, he won't try that without the Shield. He'll be long gone by now. Xander's been turned by his demon. And Cordelia is a vampire. With the two of them working together, and no slayers, we're lost. We're just absolutely lost
He crashes down into his chair, and massages his eyes
Willow stands up
Willow: No, Goddamnit! You can sit there and be Mr. Hopeless Guy, but I'm not giving up. Xander's still alive, he's still got a soul, and he can fight this thing. I'm gonna find him, and so help me God, I'm gonna drag him back to being good even if have to use a pair of pliers and blowtorch.
The door flies open and Xander and Cordelia stride in Xander has Ethan Rayne and the staff with him. Ethan has very clearly been tortured by the two of them, even more than the wounds from the car crash.
Cordelia: Why, Willow, I didn't know you could talk so....dirty.
Angel and Buffy run towards them, in fighting mode. Cordy vamps, punches Buffy out, and headbutts Angel unconscious. She takes Ethan from Xander.
Giles: What are you doing here?
Xander: We found Ethan here sneaking around in the sewers. We played a little (Ethan twitches), had a few laughs, then we decided to come over, pick this up (takes the Shield), destroy it, (He tears the Shield in half, it throws off some special effects, and Xander tosses it on the table) and do a bit of reading. Maybe grab some food
Cordelia has walked over to Willow, passing Ethan to Xander. Oz jumps in her way, but she decks him with ease.
She grabs Willow and forces her head down on the broken necklace on the table, and flicks her hair off her neck.
Coredlia: Kind of a business lunch.
Giles: Cordelia, you don't want to do this.
Cordelia: What? This? (she grinds Willow's face into the necklace so hard she screams.) Or this?
She picks Willow back up and bites her. Giles runs towards her, but Xander scones Ethan's head of the wall so he's too unconscious to run away, and intercepts Giles, shoving him up against the shelves.
Giles: Xander, I know you're still in there. You can stop this now.
Xander: Shut up and watch.
Xander holds Giles face so he is forced to see Cordelia feeding..
Cordelia breaks off
Cordelia: Yeah Giles, watch. I mean, pain is a great spectator sport
She goes back to feeding
Buffy and Angel have come round, and stand some distance away.
Buffy: He's right. Xander, look at what she's doing. It's Willow..
Xander: I said shut up! (vamps) You people make me sick. You had all this strength (crushes Giles face so hard his teeth crack. Giles screams), but you're so weak
Angel: Don't listen to it Xander. It isn't you.
Buffy: She's killing Willow! You can stop it. You know this is wrong.
Angel: I know what it's like, Xander. It's got you right now, but it's still you in there.
Giles: Xander please. You're stronger than it is. I know it.
Buffy: You have to try. Xander, I love you, I can't lose you. Please! Let her go..
Oz (from floor): Xander. I know you still love her. You always have. That has to be stronger than that thing inside your head.
Angel: He's right. Use that to get out. Do it!
Xander's vamped out face morphs briefly into something even more bestial, then becomes human.
Xander throws Giles down and grabs Cordelia off Willow. Willow falls to the ground, and Oz embraces her, shielding her from Cordy and Xander.
Cordelia snarls and turns on Xander, but he punches her clean across the table. She falls unconcious by the bookshelves
Cut to Faith's motel room. She's still sitting up in bed, hugging herself. The door knocks and she jumps out of her skin, panicking.
Faith (unsteadily): Who is it?
Joyce: It's Joyce Summers. I've come to drive you to the library You're going to get your powers back
Faith burst into to tears, relieved, and goes to open the door.
Cut to later, in Joyce's car, pulling up to the school. Faith is more composed.
Faith: Mrs Summers, I'd like it if you'd didn't tell the guys that, you know.
Joyce: I understand
Cut to later, at the library. Angel, Ethan and Cordelia are tied up heavily. Willow, looking pale with a huge graze on her face, is sitting covered by a blanket. Oz has a black eye, and is tending to a blood drip going into Willow's arm. Giles and Buffy stand close together, Buffy with an evil bruise on her face, Giles with blood around his mouth, and fingerprint bruises on his cheeks. Xander is standing by himself, looking guilty as hell. The mystic circle is painted on the on the ground. Faith comes in.
Giles: Alright, now we're ready. The three of you stand in the centre of the circle. Xander, you hold the staff and walk in. That should reverse the effect. I can only hope and pray the curse is restored too.
Angel (testing his bonds): Not as much as I do. You okay, Xander?
Xander: I'm hanging on. Can we do this now?
They take their places, Buffy and Faith walk into the circle, Xander easily picks Angel and his chair up
Xander: Angel? Thanks.
Angel and Xander share a look of understanding. Xander looks round to Buffy, who's looking a bit shitty.
Xander: No, stop. It doesn't have to be this way. Angel, you can teach me to keep....
Angel: No! I can't. It's got a two hundred year head start on you. You won't be able to stay in control.
Xander: But you and Buffy can be togeth..
Angel: How many people have you killed tonight? And not vampires, people.
Xander: Only two or three.
Giles: Only?
Angel: See? That's the demon talking. It needs to be back in me. I can take it.
Xander puts him inside the circle He gets the staff from Giles.
Giles starts chanting in Incan. The circle flashes, and Xander walks in.
The weird shimmering effect passes between them. They fall unconcious. They lie on the floor and Angel's head falls forward in the chair. They all mildly vamp in and out, but then Angel gets more and more of it until he is fully vamped, and none of the others are. He unvamps, and they all come round.
Xander stands up, holding his head. He looks around at them all, tears in his eyes, then sees Willow and runs to her. Oz stands up and gets between them, ready to fight. Xander backs off, overcome by guilt.
Cordelia: God you are pathetic.
Angel: What are we going to do with her?
Giles (grimly): Give me the staff.
Cut to a minute or so later. Angel is untied, and holding Buffy.
Ethan is in the circle, with the staff strapped to his hands.
Giles has Cordelia on the trolley, still tied up in the chair.
Buffy: Don't do this
Giles: Don't argue Buffy.
Buffy: Giles, this is murder.
Giles: This is justice.
Ethan: Rupert please! Come on old friend...You can't do this! Please! I didn't mean for..
He is interrupted by Oz striding up and punching him unconscious, with a growl, and the faintest hint of wolfing out. Oz nods grimly to Giles, and walks back to Willow, avoiding everyone else's eyes, and massaging his hand.
Giles pushes Cordelia into the circle. The shimmer shimmers and Ethan wakes up and vamps out.
Giles kicks Ethan's chair over, and beheads Ethan with a bloody huge axe and a seriously scary scream. It sticks in the ground and Ethan dusts.
Buffy unties Cordelia.
Cordelia stands up, looks round at the battered faces of the gang, horror dawning on her face. She looks over to Willow, who is clearly still terrified of her. Oz is staring daggers at her and Cordelia starts crying. Xander moves towards her, but she turns on him with a look of fear turning to absolute hatred, then runs off crying.
Buffy picks up the staff and shatters the orb on the floor.
Faith walks to the axe and tries to pull it out. It's stuck in the floor so hard that the handle breaks.
Cut to close-up of axehead buried in cracked floor. The symbol the axe is buried in is a picture of a man, surrounded by monsters. Wavy lines are drawn between the man and the beasts. The axe head is buried exactly in the man.s heart.
Closing credits.
As the little demon guy at the ends walks across the screen, it goes "Argh, Grr."
What's Wrong With the Script:
Not Enough of Faith.
I wanted to explore the idea of her being lost without her slayer abilities, and see a more vulnerable side of her. We've only ever seen glimpses of Faith being anything other than confident, sassy and generally pretty much sorted out. The trouble is, I'm shite at writing in Faithish. I can eat, sleep and breathe Xander speak, and my Willow and Buffy isn't bad, but my Faith is gash. Giles is easier for me, being as I am British. Scottish rather than English, but close enough to know how they speak. Oz is a bit tricky, cos I don't know any actual American slackers, so the slang and that is going on guesswork and other Buffy episodes. However, a handy hint for writing Oz lines is: Write a normal line that any unusually perceptive North American male would say. Then go back and cut out as many words as you can without making the sentence unreadable. Voila! Instant Oz.
Ethan Rayne Dies.
He's one of my favourite villains in Buffy, partly because Robin Sachs' voice is so good, and partly because every time you even mention his name, Giles turns into Dirty Harry's slightly more ruthless elder brother. I considered having the gang put the Shield on Ethan, and have him escape, vampire powered, but still Ethan. The problem with that is, he's tied up in a room with two slayers and Angel. It kind of stretches plausibility for him to get out of that. Also, I just like the idea of Giles doing the deed, and finally exorcising his past. Plus, I think a hard edge to Oz's character, introduced by the fact he effectively helps Giles kill Ethan, is a good thing. I think Oz's level of ironic detatchment lends itself to that kind of ruthlessness.The other thing is, the tension generated by Cordelia and Xander's guilt needs some kind of violent outlet. I chose Ethan's head. The axehead breaking the heart felt like a good closing image, too
The Dinner Scene
It's basically padding. I left it in because I love the tension betwen Joyce and Giles, and a civilised dinner is the best place for it. I've had the idea of Angel coming round for dinner, and a flustered Joyce trying to feed him, for ages. It turns out Xander is the vamp, but the steak gags are the same.
I think maybe the "excellent spread" is a little too Roger Moore`s James Bond. I just couldn't resist.
I'm a Complete Bastard.
I'm slightly disturbed by just how cruel I've been to poor Willow. Her first love is made evil, she gets bollocked by Giles when emotionally very fragile, and near enough killed by Cordy.
Likewise, everybody Xander and Cordy meet get fucked in the most painful way imaginable. Particularly Xander spamming the two vamps spines off the roof. This does kind of mess with continuity. There's no way Cordelia would forgive Xander for what he did to her. She's a bitch to him in The Zeppo, but not on the scale he'd deserve for killing her neighbours.
Diet Bloke?
Everyone familiar with the way us Brits speak will get it right away, but it doesn't really sound right coming out of Xander's mouth. But I like it. And if you don't, you can fuck off out my fanfic. It's my script, and if you're bothering to read this shit, then you've got way too much spare time. Not as much as I've had over the last four days, but still.
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