Haves and Have Nots -- by Ruby


Rating: PG-13

Description: Just a short bit of angst.

Note: This fic takes parts of season 4, ignores others, and then sort of takes its own little field trip from there. Spike has lost his bite, and Oz is gone. This was proofread fairly quickly. Please forgive any errors. Dedication -- For Krissy, who requested some B/A for her birthday. Hope you like this!:-)

Disclaimer: Joss owns all.


"Are you sure he's safe?" Angel asked as he stared across the room at Spike. The blonde vampire was pointedly ignoring his sire by absorbing himself in an animated conversation with Willow. At least, her half of the conversation was animated. Spike was basically just staring into her wide green eyes, a small grin curling his lips.

"That's what they tell me," Buffy answered lightly.

"We keep checking her neck for teeth marks, though. If we come up with an overbite, we'll know it's him."

Angel's eyes shifted to her "This is a joke to you? He could hurt her!"

"No, he couldn't. Not now," she smiled. "Anyway, he likes her. A lot. I haven't decided yet whether to feel relieved for her or sorry for her."

Spike had made a quiet comment to the little redhead, and she nodded and stood up. His arm moved around her, and his fingers rested lightly against the small of her back as she walked with him into Giles' kitchen. Buffy shifted slightly and turned her full attention to the dark vampire beside her, "I'm glad you came. If Cordy hadn't had that vision, we would have had a much harder time fighting off that demon."

"I'll always be here, if you need me," he smiled softly. Her hand moved to his face, her fingers lightly brushing over his cold cheek, "I'll always need you." His larger hand caught hers and drew her palm to his lips. He placed a soft kiss against it before curling her hand inside his. Buffy blinked against the tears in her eyes and lowered her gaze to their clasped hands.

"You could stay," she whispered. He shook his head slowly, "I can't, Buffy. You know that."

"No, I don't. Not really. I try to tell myself that I do. I try to make everyone else believe that I understand, that I'm doing all right with it. But I'm not. Every minute of every day revolves around missing you." He moaned softly, "I should have left the moment we destroyed that demon. I shouldn't have waited..."

"I wanted you to stay, if only for a day," she told him.

"I know," he said. "But being together--even only for a short time--just makes the separation that much more painful."

"Then why do we have to put ourselves through it?" she asked, raising her eyes to his. "Angel, I've tried to move on with my life. I've tried to find other people to fill the hole that you left in my heart. But it doesn't work. That little place is just for you."

"Buffy, nothing has changed since I left. All the reasons for my leaving are still there. I love you as I have never loved anyone, even in my mortal existence. But I can't be the things you need. I can't give you the life you deserve--"

"Why not?" she asked, her voice edged with frustration. "Look at them!" She waved her hand in the direction of the kitchen. The dark vampire's gaze followed her gesture to the small woman who was leaning against the kitchen counter. Spike's arm was draped over her shoulders, his mouth close to her ear, his lips brushing lightly against her skin as he spoke quietly to her.

"Great gods, he's in love with her," Angel murmured, his voice flooded with dawning realization. "Does she know?"

"I don't think so," Buffy answered. "Not yet. But I know she likes being with him. They're making it work, Angel. If they can, why can't we? They have the same issues. They're the same as we are."

"They're not the same," he insisted. "I'm souled, Buffy. After what's happened to him, Spike has been forced to rely on whatever small imitation of his former humanity he still possesses, but he doesn't know the first thing about remorse or guilt. If he could, he'd hurt her in a heartbeat if she crossed him."

"Then why is he so hell-bent on keeping her safe?" the slayer asked him. "You saw him last night when we took on that demon. He'd have gotten himself killed just to make sure she was safe. Does he look to you like he has any intention of hurting her?"

Angel forced a soft sigh from his lungs. He was having a hard enough time keeping his eyes off the couple in the other room without Buffy continually drawing his attention to them. Willow had turned to face the blonde vampire. His hands rested gently on her shoulders, and he dropped a soft kiss on her lips as she looked up at him.

"It's the implant," Angel asserted.

"Guess again," Buffy contended. "He told me a couple of weeks ago--during one of our rare moments when we

weren't arguing with each other--that he's had feelings for Willow for a long time. Long before he ever returned to Sunnydale. He cares about her, the way you and I care about each other. We could make it work, Angel, just like they are. I want us to have what they have!"

"Do you?" he asked her. "You want a life that's limited to the darkness? No sunlight, no family, no children around you? Buffy, I can't even be with you the way Spike could be with Willow. How many years do you think you could exist with words and promises before you'd need something more physical?"

"It wouldn't matter," she insisted.

"It would. That's what love does. No matter how deeply it's rooted in the heart and soul, it eventually demands physical completion. If I stayed here, with you, we could deny those needs--maybe for years--but not forever. Love either receives its demands, or it dies. I can't supply the former, and I couldn't bear the latter."

"No," she whispered, lowering her head as tears spilled from her eyes.

"Look at me," he asked, taking her chin and raising her eyes to his when she refused to comply.

"You're all I need," she said firmly.

"And I'm what you can't have," he added. "Not without destroying both of us and probably everyone we care about, as well."

"It isn't fair," she spat. "We can't be together because you have a soul, but a soulless, cruel bastard like Spike can have someone as wonderful as Willow."

"It isn't fair," he agreed sadly. "But it's the way it is. We can't change it. I can't stay." The front door opened, and Giles cast a sober glance at the slayer as Angel stepped quickly away from her.

"I was afraid you'd have gone," the former watcher said to the vampire. "I wanted to thank you for helping us."

"You already did," Angel smiled. "I was just about to head back to L.A." Giles nodded and reached out his hand, "Safe trip. Give my regards to Cordelia."

"I will," he nodded, shaking the man's hand as Spike and Willow emerged from the kitchen. Buffy followed Angel to the door, and he stopped and looked down at the little redhead, taking her into a warm hug.

"I'll miss you," she whispered.

"Not too much," he grinned, casting a glance at the blonde vampire beside her. "Look after Buffy."

"I will," she promised.

"And you look after Willow," he cautioned, bestowing a crooked smile on Spike. "Or I'll come back here and pound you to a bloodless pulp."

"The slayer did tell you I can still beat the hell out of demons, didn't she?" Spike replied with the hint of a grin. The dark vampire chuckled as Spike's arm wound around Willow's waist and clutched it firmly, and Angel placed his hand on Spike's shoulder and gave it a brief squeeze. Giles moved aside as Angel opened the front door and stepped outside, with Buffy following behind him. She pulled the door shut as he turned to look at her.

"I wish we could have what we need," the warm night breeze carried her whispered words to his ears. His left hand reached for hers, their fingers intertwining, as his right hand moved to caress her wet cheek.

"We can," he answered, his voice achingly low. "We just can't have what we want." His lowered his mouth to hers in a soft, sweet kiss, and a quiet sob flowed out with her words as her lips brushed against his, "I love you."

"I love you," he echoed, allowing his lips to linger close to hers for an agonizing moment before he released her hand and stepped away. From the front window, Willow watched the heart-breaking exchange, her head resting against Spike's chest as his arms enfolded her from behind. Buffy stood on the doorstep, silent tears flowing freely from her eyes as Angel walked away toward the street where his car was parked. He paused and looked back at her, and they stood motionless, staring at one another, before he turned to be swallowed up in the darkness.

The End

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