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Changing Hearts Series - Restless -- by Ruby
Rating: PG-13
Description: Late night conversation, sequel to Not So Alone.
Note: Spoilers -- Wild at Heart, The Initiative.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
"Will," Buffy turned onto her side as she heard the redhead slipping quietly out of bed. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know," she answered softly. "Nothing."
"Can't sleep?"
"I'm restless," she shrugged in the dark and fished around in the dresser for a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just going to take a walk."
"I'll go with you," Buffy offered and sat up.
"No, I'll be okay. Go back to sleep."
"Willow, it isn't safe--"
The redhead shoved her sockless feet into her sneakers, "I won't go far. I'll stay close to the dorm. I just need some air."
The slayer blinked against the light that filtered into the room as her friend opened the door just enough to slip out. She glanced at her alarm clock--two in the morning--and stumbled out of bed to reach for the phone.
"Do you have any idea what the moonlight does to your hair?"
Willow jumped in surprise at the familiar, but unexpected, voice and turned her head toward the approaching vampire. Spike returned her easy smile and sat down beside her on the bench outside the dorm.
"What are you doing here?"
"Would you believe, looking for a midnight snack?" he tried.
"No," she laughed softly. "First of all, it isn't midnight, and second of all, you don't snack, anymore."
"Details, details," he grumbled good-naturedly. "Okay, I was just out for a stroll? Would you buy that?"
"Maybe," she answered.
"Good. We'll go with that, then. So, what's your excuse?"
"Couldn't sleep," she shrugged.
"Too many anchovies on the pizza, or were you having erotic dreams of your favorite vampire?"
"Angel's in L.A. Why would I be dreaming of him?" she teased.
"Oh, pet. You're just asking to get bit," he grumbled.
"I'm sorry," she giggled. "You know you're my favorite vampire."
The simple declaration brought a warm smile to the vampire's lips, and he took her hand in his and drew it into his lap to play mindlessly with her fingers as she lapsed into thoughtful silence.
"What's wrong, luv?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head and looked down at her hand in his, "He's gone."
"He's been gone for weeks."
"No, not from here," she explained, lifting her head to scan the empty campus, then raised her free hand to her heart. "From here."
He studied her face, waiting for her to continue. "I can't feel him, anymore. I was lying in bed, trying to find him--inside me, you know? But he isn't there, anymore."
"Is that a bad feeling?" he asked.
She cocked her head, considering the question, "I don't know. It doesn't feel like anything--just sort of empty. Was it hard for you, letting Drusilla go?"
"At first," he nodded. "After I got over the initial anger. But you move on, pet. You have to. It's no good trying to go back. You can't, anyway."
"No," she agreed. "I'm kind of sorry, now, that I gave you his picture. That I let you tear it up. I wish I had asked for it back, instead."
"I wouldn't have given it back," he told her. "You never would have torn it up on your own. I knew that, even while you were telling me to do it, which is why it was the first thing I did when I got home."
"But if I had it, maybe I could remember those feelings, get them back, hang onto them, somehow," she explained.
"The feelings weren't in that picture. They were in you," he responded. "Why would you want them back, anyway?"
"Because they hurt," she said, looking over at him.
"And hurting is better than feeling nothing at all."
"Is it?" he asked, holding her gaze. "Or is it just a security blanket? A way of standing still? Of not having to take the risks that come with leaving it behind? You won't feel empty forever, pet."
"I feel like I will," she whispered.
He took her chin in his hand, "I promise you it won't. It'll go away, just like the hurt has."
"You know, I'm thinking this moving on stuff really sucks," she grinned sadly. "I don't even know what to do, now. It was easy when I was hurting. I knew what to do with that pain. I could put it into my studies, or just sit and sulk. But this hole that's inside me, now, I don't know what to do with that."
"You find something else to fill it up," he told her.
"I don't know if I can. I'm too scared to try," she admitted.
He moaned softly and put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close against him, resting his cheek against her soft hair, "You'll get over that, too."
"Sometimes, I wonder," she said. "I've never felt so unanchored. I want answers, and I don't even know what the questions are."
"Those answers are closer than you know," his lips brushed gently over her temple as he spoke. "One day, you're going to look up, and there they'll be, staring you right in the eye."
"I hope so, because I hate feeling this way. I feel like I could jump right out of my skin, like I want to be anywhere other than where I am now."
He smiled softly and pulled away to look down at her, "Walk with me?"
"I don't know. I promised Buffy I wouldn't go far. She'll worry if I don't come back soon."
"Think so? I'll bet she's already asleep. She'll never know you're gone. Come on, luv, just a short walk."
"Okay, I'd like that," she agreed and allowed him to pull her up onto her feet.
From a window above, Buffy watched in the darkness as the two familiar forms walked slowly away from the building. She smiled sleepily and crawled back under the blankets with a satisfied yawn.
The End
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